Tomorrow Holdon would have been 7 years old. How has so much time gone by already? And yet a day doesn’t go by that I don’t remember every detail of that day on April 6th, 2010 like it was yesterday. He shouldn’t have been born that day. He wasn’t due to be born until June 26th. But HELLP Syndrome happened to me and he was delivered via emergency c-section at just 27 weeks, 5 days. I was told I had to deliver immediately or I could die and Holdon was in distress, having not grown at all since 24 weeks. He was severely premature, made even worse by severe growth restriction, and a perforation in his small intestine on top of it all. He had to have surgery at only 1 day old to remove the necrotic tissues of the small intestine that had perforated and was left with only 25%. The odds of survival were stacked up against him from the start. The fact that he lived for 3 1/2 months in the NICU is truly amazing and testament to how strong and amazing our little boy was. Time goes on and a lot has changed. It took […]

Long Overdue Update

It’s been so long since I posted an update, I really don’t even know where to begin. First of all, everything is good. Archer is doing well and growing like a weed. He’s exceeding milestones and seems to be growing and changing every single day. At his 2-month check up, he was in the 99th percentile for height and 53rd for weight. He’s made up for his slow start to gaining weight and then some! We have his next well baby appointment on Monday, which I’m really looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I can’t wait to see how much he’s grown, but I’m dreading his next round of vaccinations. His 2-month vaccinations were brutal. He cried so much after he got them and had a fever for 3 days. I really hope it won’t be as bad this time around. Now, to why I haven’t written in so long… breastfeeding. This has not gone as I had envisioned. Archer still likes to camp out on the breast for well over an hour and I still can’t seem to produce enough milk for him. In order to have some sanity and time to get a few things […]

Wave of Light on October 15th: International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Tonight I light five candles. One for my son Holdon who was taken from us too soon because of HELLP Syndrome, a variant of preeclampsia, and severe prematurity. The other candles are for my four miscarriages. This is my second year participating in the Wave of Light and I can’t help thinking how different things are today then they were a year ago. In the past year we had a failed IVF and another really early miscarriage and then became blessed with this pregnancy, our miracle baby. As I think about my angels in Heaven, I feel sad for how much I miss them and wish I had had more time with them, but I also feel so much hope and love. I know our guardian angels are watching over me and this pregnancy and over their little brother so he may continue to grow healthy and strong and join us in this world at the end of year. I am also thinking about all the little angels throughout our blogging community and around the world who were taken from their parents too soon and sending love and prayers to them and their families.

4 Years

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the day we lost Holdon. It’s hard to believe it’s been 4 years because it feels like it was just yesterday to me. On this day, I don’t really have too much to say except I miss you Holdon. Every single day of those 4 years, you have been missed. Mommy and Daddy love you, always and forever <3 Below is my post from Holdon’s 4th birthday on April 6th. I wanted to re-post it today in his memory. You will never be forgotten Holdon <3     View video in YouTube: In Loving Memory of Our Son Holdon – YouTube.   On April 6th, 2010 at 1:38 PM, our son Holdon was born 3 months early due to a dangerous pregnancy condition called HELLP Syndrome, a variant of preeclampsia. He lived for 3 ½ months in the NICU. We named him Holdon with a second “o” so it would spell “hold on”, and he did. He held on every day of his precious life. He fought so hard, but in the end it was too much. On July 14th, 2010, we were told there was nothing more the doctors could do. His […]

One Year Anniversary of Blogging

Last night I got this message from WordPress:   I can’t believe it’s been an entire year since I first began this blog and all that has happened. Naturally, getting this message from WordPress caused me to reflect on things a bit… Exactly one year ago, I had just suffered my fourth lost in three years. We were mourning the death of my infant son due to prematurity as a result of HELLP Syndrome, followed by 3 back to back miscarriages. I had hit an all time low and was tired of living in silence about it. I was about to embark on IVF and PGD to test our embryos in hopes of preventing another loss, and also just days after that first post, I had the 3 year anniversary of Holdon’s death to deal with. To say I was in a really bad place at that time, is a bit of an understatement. Little did I know that in the next year, our journey with IVF with PGD would fail and while I don’t regret doing it, it was a lot of money for nothing in the end; then we’d cautiously start trying on our own again, only to […]

A Quick Getaway

Thank you everyone for all your love, thoughts and prayers this past weekend. I was overwhelmed with emotion reading all your comments on here yesterday, as well as all the comments I received on Facebook. One of my biggest fears, as time goes on, is that Holdon will be forgotten. However, I see now how impossible that is. We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives who love us and love Holdon, and I just know he was looking down at all of us and smiling at all the love he was feeling on his special day. Morro Bay, California Our weekend plans didn’t go exactly as we envisioned, but it was still very relaxing and good to get away. We had a party to go to on Saturday night, so we planned on leaving early on Sunday morning and getting into Morro Bay early enough to still enjoy the day, stay the night, then spend all day there the next day and drive back on Monday evening. Well, I was in a bit of funk on Saturday night with Holdon’s birthday the next day, and ended up drinking more than I wanted to at the […]

For Our Angel, Holdon on His 4th Birthday

View video in YouTube: In Loving Memory of Our Son Holdon – YouTube. Four years ago today, on April 6th, 2010 at 1:38 PM, our son Holdon was born 3 months early due to a dangerous pregnancy condition called HELLP Syndrome, a variant of preeclampsia. He lived for 3 ½ months in the NICU. We named him Holdon with a second “o” so it would spell “hold on”, and he did. He held on every day of his precious life. He fought so hard, but in the end it was too much. On July 14th, 2010, we were told there was nothing more the doctors could do. His tiny underdeveloped lungs and short gut syndrome were too much for him. He could not absorb nutrients properly so his lungs couldn’t develop. He never came off the breathing tube and eventually he succumbed to infection, and as a result of sepsis his organs began to shut down. We had him baptized at the hospital on July 19th, and then at 2:26 PM on July 20th 2010, after struggling for days with the impossible decision no parent should ever have to make, our son Holdon was taken off the breathing tube and […]

Special Memory Bracelet

I received a surprise package in the mail yesterday from my Mom. It was a gift for Holdon’s birthday. It’s a Pandora bracelet with 3 charms on it: an “H”, a flower with his birthstone, and a small angel. It was such an overwhelming and touching gift to let me know she was thinking about us and our little angel. Thank you Mom! It’s beautiful. I have to admit, I’ve always thought Pandora bracelets were a little overpriced for what they are and never really wanted one before, but I fell in love with this bracelet instantly, and will cherish it always. What a perfect birthday present for my angel! As far as everything else, I’m doing okay, but still not sleeping well and I seem to be starting my period a few days early. So April 1 = CD 1. Lovely. Great way to start off hell month. Very fitting. All I can say is, hopefully we’ll have better news at the end of the month. Sending out love and prayers to my fellow bloggers. April is a rough month for many of us on here with miscarriage anniversaries, would-have-been due dates and not-birthdays. The only thing worst than […]

The Difference A Day Can Make

First of all, I want to thank all the ladies who commented on my WTF is My Body Doing? post from yesterday. All your support and advice really helped ease my mind and I was able to fall asleep easily last night instead of worrying about what my waking temp would be today. And sure enough, my temp went way up to 98.0 this morning! There’s no mistaking that temp shift. Whew! So if it remains high, then I can confirm that I ovulated some time yesterday. I’m feeling pretty foolish for putting that post up yesterday and seeing my temp go up today. Talk about jumping the gun! I really think my body was having a good laugh at my expense, but at least I know I’m back on track with only a few days delay and all your advice really helped! Image source: After seeing that temp shift, I turned off my alarm and fell back to sleep until 10:00. It was bliss! I haven’t been able to sleep in that late in ages, and I can’t believe what a difference it has made in my mood today. So now I’m back in the dreaded TWW again, but […]

WTF is My Body Doing?

It’s been such a crazy time lately and I’ve been so out of touch with this blog. I’ve been reading all my fellow bloggers posts and commenting when I have time, but have been completely neglecting my own blog. To recap, last cycle we got pregnant and had a chemical pregnancy that ended just a few days after I first saw a positive pregnancy test. It was my 5th loss in less than 4 years. It all happened so fast, and while my parents were visiting, so I didn’t have time to process it at all. Then, just 4 days later, my college roommate and her husband flew in for a long weekend. It was great to spend time with them but it was a whirlwind weekend of shopping and site-seeing with only a short break on the beach last Saturday to enjoy the 85 degree weather, and then a Saint Patrick’s Day party on Sunday that lasted all day in the hot sun. We continued the party at our house and only got a short nap in before seeing our friends off to the airport at 4AM on Monday morning. We barely got back to sleep when we were […]