Feeling Down But Still Believe In Miracles

Did anybody else see the story on the news this morning about a woman in Indiana who went to the hospital with stomach pains thinking she had severe appendicitis or gall bladder stones and was told she was in labor? She had no idea she was pregnant until her water broke in the ER. Seriously?! What the F? I was completely stunned watching this and burst into angry tears upon hearing it. How on earth can this happen? That poor baby. Who knows what the stupid B did in the 9 months while she was carrying him. She honestly thought she had just put on extra winter weight! Who can be that stupid?! Am I the only one who’s furious about this? The people on the news reporting on the story didn’t seem to be. They talked about it like it was the funniest thing in the world. I’m sorry, there’s nothing funny about this story. It’s unbelievable to me that this can happen, and yet this isn’t the first time I’ve heard stories like this. It’s so unfair! So many of us are so cautious during pregnancy that we barely breathe for fear it will cause a miscarriage, and…Continue reading Feeling Down But Still Believe In Miracles

Love . Faith . Hope

My painting is finished! It only took me 3 years to finish, but it’s finally out of my head and on the canvas! In the summer of 2011, one year after the death of my son, I purchased this canvas and started this painting. I started it for Holdon. I wanted to capture all my memories and thoughts of him. I began by sketching out my ideas on the canvas in pencil and put enough paint on the canvas to outline the infinity symbol, but then I became pregnant again and even though I only paint in acrylic and it’s supposed to be non-toxic, I was scared to continue painting, especially in the first trimester. So I put the painting on hold. Then I had my first miscarriage, and I hit such a low place, I couldn’t bring myself to work on it anymore. I didn’t want all the bitter energy I was feeling to be reflected in it. So I put everything away, and promised myself I would come back to it when I was in a better place. It took a long time to get to that better place. Just when I would feel like I was ready…Continue reading Love . Faith . Hope

A Relaxing Holiday

The past week has been good. Quiet, but relaxing and peaceful. Our family is scattered all over the place with my husband’s parents visiting India right now, his brother in Baltimore, and his sister and my family are all in Canada, so we were on our own for Christmas this year. It’s hard being so far away from family during the Holidays, but with everything going on with us right now, it was nice to be on our own and just relax. We spent a quite Christmas Eve at home with just us and our kitties. We cuddled up on the couch and watched our favorite Christmas movies: It’s a Wonderful Life for my hubby and Miracle of 34th Street for me, and then rounded off the evening with A Christmas Story marathon. We exchanged gifts at midnight and slept in on Christmas morning. Then, after lounging about all morning, we went to a movie in the afternoon and had a lovely dinner with another couple. We had a great meal, played games and just relaxed. It was the laziest Christmas ever. And it was perfect. My lazy Holiday continued through the entire weekend with a few get-togethers with friends and…Continue reading A Relaxing Holiday

Celebrating 6 Years With My Love

Six years ago today (well yesterday now since it’s after midnight), I married the love of my life. It’s hard to believe it’s been six years already and yet we’ve been through so much together in that time, it should feel like a lifetime. It’s a true testament to our relationship that we’ve been through everything we have been, and it still feels like just yesterday that I said I do. As I think back on it all, I feel truly blessed. I will never forget that magical day, six years ago when we stood up in front of our family and friends and vowed to love each other through better or worse. And we have. I’ll never forget any of it… The amazing trips we’ve taken together so far. Adopting our kitties. The morning I took my first pregnancy test ever and it was positive, and I waking my husband up (pee stick still in hand) and telling him we were pregnant. I’ll never forget the look of sleepy joy he had on his face. I’ll never forget the anxiety and fear we felt when we were told I had to have an emergency c-section at 27 weeks. Or…Continue reading Celebrating 6 Years With My Love

Final Four

Dr. J emailed me today with a status report on our embryos. His exact words were “… 4 blastocysts were biopsied. This is a good start.” I honestly didn’t know how to react to this news. The fact that 4 out 11 embryos reached day 5 is a decent percentage (36%), and we were told the average survival rate of embryos reaching 5-day blastocyst in the lab is about 30%, so we’re right where we should be, but will 4 be enough? Will this give us enough of a chance of having at least one healthy embryo after PGD? I’m trying to stay optimistic, but the closer we get to finding out, I’m kind of freaking out a bit. After getting the email. I went for a long walk to clear my head. I was in a real funk. Five days ago, we had 11 possibilities, and now we have four. It really scares me. I also can’t help grieving for those 7 that didn’t make it. These were 7 tiny little lives that we created, and their existence was over so quick. I know I shouldn’t think about it that way. If they didn’t survive to 5-day blast in…Continue reading Final Four

Worldwide Candle Lighting

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor the memories of the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and grandchildren who left too soon. As candles are lit at 7:00 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of all children gone too soon. The Compassionate Friends: Providing Grief Support After the Death of a Child “The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.” –Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends Click to read more: The Compassionate Friends

Day 5 Distraction: Finishing a Painting I Started 3 Years Ago

First things first, I have not heard from Dr. J to tell me how many of my embryos survived to today, 5-day blastocyst, and were biopsied for PGD. He said he wouldn’t call until Tuesday, but I really wish he would give me a status update. I’m so anxious to know how they’re doing. I just keep praying, no news is good news. Tuesday, cannot come fast enough! On that note, I definitely needed a good distraction today, so I decided to tackle a project that is very dear to me, but I have been avoiding for over 3 years. Shortly before my first miscarriage and a year after we lost our son, I began a painting in memory of him. Then I found out I was pregnant again and stopped painting because I was worried about the paint fumes. I only paint with acrylic paints so they really aren’t toxic, but I worry and didn’t want to take any chances. Then we miscarried and I just wasn’t in the right head space to resume working on it. And then I had another miscarriage and another, and I just never came back to it. So today, I was wondering what…Continue reading Day 5 Distraction: Finishing a Painting I Started 3 Years Ago

Waiting… Wishing… Hoping…

Yesterday, I started a daily distraction activity to get me through this next week of waiting to hear how my embryos are doing and whether any of them are viable after PGD. The first distraction activity was decorating our Christmas Tree. Above is a picture of my special memory ornaments for my angels. The three snowflakes are the same ones A Calm Persistence blogged about finding at Kohl’s in her post It was just one of those days…. She purchased them for her angel babies and was extremely generous in sharing where she found them so others could get them too. I absolutely loved them and went out a few days later and got them for my own angel babies. The three snowflakes are for each of my miscarriages with the birth stone for each due date: April 18th for my first miscarriage, December 20th for my second miscarriage and January 5th for my most recent miscarriage. The two angel ornaments are for my son, my angel Holdon. One angel holds his birthstone for April 6th and the blue angel above it was a gift from my mother, and it holds his picture. These 5 ornaments are my most cherished…Continue reading Waiting… Wishing… Hoping…

Preeclampsia Foundation News

World Prematurity Day is November 17 Last Updated on Friday, November 15, 2013 Friday, November 15, 2013 The March of Dimes brings attention to prematurity with other organizations worldwide on World Prematurity Day. We partner with them to deliver information that impacts roughly 15 million babies worldwide—more than one in ten born each year. Preeclampsia is one of the leading causes of prematurity worldwide, accounting for approximately 15 percent of all premature births in the US alone. Please share this information, and help us make others more aware and supportive of our mission. Here are links to some articles that will update you on the statistics, concerns, advances, action items, and reasons for hope. Delivering action on preterm birth (The Lancet) Born too soon: Global action report (Save the Children, March of Dimes and World Health Organization) Join the conversation on November 17 (Healthy Newborn Network) World Prematurity Day Events (Maternal Health Task Force) US cannot brag about infant mortality rates (Preeclampsia Foundation) Prematurity means separation, medical complications, sometimes depression (Preeclamspia Foundation) From hope to joy (BabyCenter.com) Why do we need a world prematurity day (Impatient Optimists Blog – Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation) European Prematurity Group: Socks for Life campaign(European Foundation for the…Continue reading Preeclampsia Foundation News

My Special Holdon Necklace

A few weeks ago I was perusing Pinterest and came across a necklace similar to this on my home screen. The necklace was highlighted for me because I follow the Preeclampsia Foundation and I had pinned a logo that was on one of their boards that was designed by Melissa Muir, preeclampsia survivor and Jewelry Designer. The logo was created for the Preeclampsia Survivor T-shirts, that are sold to raise public awareness about preeclampsia. Melissa is a 3-time preeclampsia survivor and had created a special necklace in honor of her daughter Kelsi. Kelsi was born at 24 weeks gestation and only lived for a couple of days. The wonderful and magical world of Pinterest, highlighted this necklace for me because of my previous pin of the logo. Seeing the image of her necklace had an immediate affect on me and I simply had to have one in honor of my son, Holdon. This began my connection to this amazing artist and the discovery of my preeclampsia sister, as she called us. Given our bond through this terrible condition of pregnancy, and the way she immediately opened her heart to me and shared her story, I realized we really are preeclampsia…Continue reading My Special Holdon Necklace