April (Baby) Showers – It’s Freaking Babypalooza

This is a weird post for me to write as I am currently one of them, but I had to write about the explosion of pregnancies and babies happening right now. It doesn’t seem to just be happening to me. Others in our blogging community and also in my rainbow and unicorns mom Facebook group have been talking about it happening in their circle of friends too. It seems like where ever we go, and even when we’ve gotten through it and have our rainbow and unicorn babies either through a really lucky egg, ART, donor eggs, surrogacy and/or adoption, we’re still affected by it. When I had my last miscarriage right before this pregnancy, I must have seen 6 pregnancy announcements or knew of several women who were already pregnant and expecting their second or third baby. It hit me hard. At the time of that last miscarriage, I thought my DOR was getting the best of me and I was going into premature menopause and I truly began to think that I’d never be able to give the miracle toddler a living sibling. Then I became pregnant again with this pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant again […]

I'm Still Here

To say this is post is overdue is a gross understatement. Archer is nearly a year old and since his birth I’ve written four updates. Four. It’s absolutely shameful! So why the long absence? Honestly, it’s rather complicated. I actually have many drafts saved, but somehow I never published any of them. One reason for my long absence is work. Working from home seems like such a great idea when you want to be at home with your baby and still try to bring in an income, but what I didn’t realize before little man was born, is it’s really hard to manage a client workload and take care of your baby at the same time. When I have a tight deadline, I have to squeeze in work when Archer is napping or after he goes to bed. My days are long, sometimes going from 6 am when Archer wakes up, until midnight or later and this doesn’t include when Archer wakes in the middle of the night. Arun is a very helpful hubby and daddy but he doesn’t have the best schedule so some days go better than others. Thankfully, little man sleeps well. He naps and sleeps through […]

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Last year I posted this post: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and I just wanted to share the link again this this year in case some of you are not aware of the significance of October to pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Also, I just wanted to remind everyone that October 15th is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and that at 7pm across the world, parents will be lighting candles in all time zones in remembrance of their lost angels by participating in the Wave of Light. “A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.” ― Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan

"Let Your Faith Be Bigger Than Your Fear"

The past few days have been rough. I’m so tired and emotional. The hubby and I had a fight over something stupid yesterday morning and I spent the rest of the day crying while trying to work. I’ve been crying a lot the past few days. I can’t even say why exactly, I guess it’s just the extra hormones and worry. I’m still feeling symptoms, but they seem to come and go. The only constant symptom is exhaustion which seems to be getting worse. I want to crawl right back into bed and sleep the day away right after getting up every day. I’m so happy to feel it because it’s the only reassurance I have that this might be okay. It’s been challenging getting anything done though. As for the other symptoms, they come and go. It’s very disconcerting, and I feel like I’m having an emotional breakdown. One minute I feel positive that this time is going to be different, but then I remember that I have bad eggs and the odds of this going well aren’t great. This is my 6th pregnancy and I have no living children. I’m not sure I can handle another loss. I’m […]

Reflecting on a Strange Week

This has been an interesting week. Not really bad, but not great either. First of all, I wrote last Sunday that I thought my body was having a good laugh at my expense, and I think it decided to keep on laughing because I posted a picture from Pinterest that said, “The bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep” by E. Joseph Lossman, and then I tossed and turned all that night, and the next 2 nights too! I was exhausted and falling asleep on the couch right after dinner, but as soon as I would go to bed, nothing! I was finally able to get a good 5 hours in a row on Wednesday and Thursday night and about 7 hours total last night, but it still wasn’t great. I kept having the weirdest dreams that kept waking me up. A lot of the dreams have been about our son and babies. I think Holdon’s upcoming not-birthday next Sunday is weighing heavily on my mind. I’ve been working on a video/slideshow for him and I think it’s bringing all of it back. I don’t regret working on it though, because it’s something I’ve wanted to do for […]

You Will Soon Witness a Miracle

A few days ago, we went for dinner at PF Changs, and at the end of our meal, they brought us fortune cookies. This was mine: I have to admit, my faith has been stretched pretty thin the past several weeks, but seeing that little strip of paper reminded me to not give up in a moment when I was feeling pretty hopeless. Okay God, I’m listening. I won’t give up. I won’t lose faith. You might recall that last month I posted the image below. I’m re-posting it because I’m seeing it in a different light now.  We saw this boulder on the drive between Temecula and Palm Springs. It says, “I’m Right Here. Don’t Let Me Go”. At the time, I thought it was a sign that my FET would be successful, but now I realize I needed reminding that it might not all go according to plan, but I’m not alone and I shouldn’t let go of my faith and hope. And now in the wake of another miscarriage, I get this fortune. If these aren’t a sign from a higher power, I don’t know what is. I know this journey isn’t going to be easy. It […]

A Relaxing Holiday

The past week has been good. Quiet, but relaxing and peaceful. Our family is scattered all over the place with my husband’s parents visiting India right now, his brother in Baltimore, and his sister and my family are all in Canada, so we were on our own for Christmas this year. It’s hard being so far away from family during the Holidays, but with everything going on with us right now, it was nice to be on our own and just relax. We spent a quite Christmas Eve at home with just us and our kitties. We cuddled up on the couch and watched our favorite Christmas movies: It’s a Wonderful Life for my hubby and Miracle of 34th Street for me, and then rounded off the evening with A Christmas Story marathon. We exchanged gifts at midnight and slept in on Christmas morning. Then, after lounging about all morning, we went to a movie in the afternoon and had a lovely dinner with another couple. We had a great meal, played games and just relaxed. It was the laziest Christmas ever. And it was perfect. My lazy Holiday continued through the entire weekend with a few get-togethers with friends and […]

A Mourning Mom

Tonight, I found a very kind message from a another mom who has had to endure more than any parent should ever have to endure. I was deeply saddened but also inspired by the stories on her blog and wanted to share her link on my blog. amourningmom.com I also found this beautiful quote on her blog. It really says it all. “Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”                                                                                                          –Author Unknown

Inspiring Stories: Healing Through Sharing

Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory Below is a link for a directory of stories and resources about miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. It is is created and maintained by those who have experienced the loss of a baby in miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. Their goal is to maintain a current listing of Babyloss Blogs, recommend related resources, and to post the latest Babyloss information. Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory (babylossdirectory.blogspot.com)   Other Inspiring Blog Recommendations For This Week Miscarriage: Finding My Way Home (miscarriageonetwomany.blogspot.com) “This blog is for the countless silent sufferers who have lost babies through miscarriage. Here, you can read, share, find other related resources and together we can find our way back home. Please share this site with others who may need a place like this.” Hope In Miscarriage (hopeinmiscarriage.blogspot.com) “I just moderated and answered a few comments on this blog and for some reason went back and read the first few posts when I shared our own story. Yes, I got tears in my eyes. Yes, it makes heaven so precious. But, the grief is no longer overwhelming or even really painful. I remember, I long to see our little ones, […]

Inspiring Stories: Healing Through Sharing

Below are some links to stories and resources I found inspiring and hopeful. I hope reading these stories about miscarriage will help you find some hope too. I will be posting links about pregnancy, miscarriage/recurrent loss and preeclampsia regularly so please return frequently for other stories and resources like these. BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA: We Need To Talk About Miscarriage (worldmomsblog.com) “We need to tell people when we suffer a loss. We owe them that, and we owe ourselves that, because for all we know, they need someone to talk to, too. Don’t assume that they don’t know what you’re going through, because chances are, they do.” Finding Hope after Miscarriage (well.blogs.nytimes.com) “Two months after I had surgery to remove my fourth pregnancy, I fell pregnant again. Just like the last time, nausea hit hard by week 5, and by week 7, we saw a tiny heartbeat. “Is it too much to ask for that heart to keep beating another 80 years?” I asked my husband, and we laughed and laughed, because we knew exactly how much that was to ask. But a little over seven months later, I was holding our son.” Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (www.nobiggie.net) “As hard as this trial has been, […]