I'm Still Here

To say this is post is overdue is a gross understatement. Archer is nearly a year old and since his birth I’ve written four updates. Four. It’s absolutely shameful! So why the long absence? Honestly, it’s rather complicated. I actually have many drafts saved, but somehow I never published any of them. One reason for my long absence is work. Working from home seems like such a great idea when you want to be at home with your baby and still try to bring in an income, but what I didn’t realize before little man was born, is it’s really hard to manage a client workload and take care of your baby at the same time. When I have a tight deadline, I have to squeeze in work when Archer is napping or after he goes to bed. My days are long, sometimes going from 6 am when Archer wakes up, until midnight or later and this doesn’t include when Archer wakes in the middle of the night. Arun is a very helpful hubby and daddy but he doesn’t have the best schedule so some days go better than others. Thankfully, little man sleeps well. He naps and sleeps through […]

Long Overdue Update

It’s been so long since I posted an update, I really don’t even know where to begin. First of all, everything is good. Archer is doing well and growing like a weed. He’s exceeding milestones and seems to be growing and changing every single day. At his 2-month check up, he was in the 99th percentile for height and 53rd for weight. He’s made up for his slow start to gaining weight and then some! We have his next well baby appointment on Monday, which I’m really looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I can’t wait to see how much he’s grown, but I’m dreading his next round of vaccinations. His 2-month vaccinations were brutal. He cried so much after he got them and had a fever for 3 days. I really hope it won’t be as bad this time around. Now, to why I haven’t written in so long… breastfeeding. This has not gone as I had envisioned. Archer still likes to camp out on the breast for well over an hour and I still can’t seem to produce enough milk for him. In order to have some sanity and time to get a few things […]

Calling Out to All My Blogging Friends

I’m reaching out to all of you to ask for prayers and thoughts for one of our fellow bloggers: andthewindscreamsmary.blogspot.com This amazing lady has been a constant support to me while going through so much herself, and she could really use some support back right now. She is about to go through her second second trimester loss in back to back pregnancies in just 7 months. It’s absolutely unthinkable what she has had to go through in such a short time. Please check out her blog and send her any love and support you can. Thank you so much. Hugs and love to all of you <3    

Blog Hop: Women Writing

A good friend of mine, Judith from juicygreenmom.ca, asked me to participate in a Blog Hop that features new women writers and celebrates why we are writing across all blog communities and genres. When she first asked me, I was a little surprised because I have never really considered myself a writer. I write, but am I a writer? If you asked me, I would have said my husband is the writer in our household, not me. He doesn’t write professionally, but has been working on several writing projects for the past few years that we hope he’ll publish one day.  If you’ve read my husband’s short story, Holdon’s Story, titled “Press Play”, about our son’s short life, I think you will all agree that my husband has a rare gift for the written word. But this post isn’t about my husband the writer, it’s about me and why I began writing. I’m a visual artist, and historically I’ve always turned to my sketchbook or canvas to let my emotions and thoughts out. It wasn’t until I lost my son that I turned to writing. In 2010, I had to deliver my son early due to HELLP Syndrome (to read […]

Facing Mother's Day With Empty Arms

Mother’s Day is a beautiful day to celebrate our mothers and all they do for us. I know I will be thinking about my own mother on Sunday and remembering all she has done for me over the years of my life. It goes beyond just the years she raised me. The support and love my mom has given me in these recent years that have been some of the most difficult years of my life, has shown me how a mother’s love and care never ends. She has prayed with me, celebrated with me and grieved with me. I feel so blessed to have this amazing woman as my mother and I wanted to begin this post by saying a special thank you to her. Thank you Mom for being all that you are. I love you more than I can ever express in words. However, this day is more than a just a day to celebrate my Mom. For me, it’s also about my own journey into motherhood. It’s a day to remember my son and each of my babies in Heaven. The memories are beautiful, but also incredibly painful. It’s a reminder of what could have been. […]

Special Memory Bracelet

I received a surprise package in the mail yesterday from my Mom. It was a gift for Holdon’s birthday. It’s a Pandora bracelet with 3 charms on it: an “H”, a flower with his birthstone, and a small angel. It was such an overwhelming and touching gift to let me know she was thinking about us and our little angel. Thank you Mom! It’s beautiful. I have to admit, I’ve always thought Pandora bracelets were a little overpriced for what they are and never really wanted one before, but I fell in love with this bracelet instantly, and will cherish it always. What a perfect birthday present for my angel! As far as everything else, I’m doing okay, but still not sleeping well and I seem to be starting my period a few days early. So April 1 = CD 1. Lovely. Great way to start off hell month. Very fitting. All I can say is, hopefully we’ll have better news at the end of the month. Sending out love and prayers to my fellow bloggers. April is a rough month for many of us on here with miscarriage anniversaries, would-have-been due dates and not-birthdays. The only thing worst than […]

Reflecting on a Strange Week

This has been an interesting week. Not really bad, but not great either. First of all, I wrote last Sunday that I thought my body was having a good laugh at my expense, and I think it decided to keep on laughing because I posted a picture from Pinterest that said, “The bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep” by E. Joseph Lossman, and then I tossed and turned all that night, and the next 2 nights too! I was exhausted and falling asleep on the couch right after dinner, but as soon as I would go to bed, nothing! I was finally able to get a good 5 hours in a row on Wednesday and Thursday night and about 7 hours total last night, but it still wasn’t great. I kept having the weirdest dreams that kept waking me up. A lot of the dreams have been about our son and babies. I think Holdon’s upcoming not-birthday next Sunday is weighing heavily on my mind. I’ve been working on a video/slideshow for him and I think it’s bringing all of it back. I don’t regret working on it though, because it’s something I’ve wanted to do for […]

The Difference A Day Can Make

First of all, I want to thank all the ladies who commented on my WTF is My Body Doing? post from yesterday. All your support and advice really helped ease my mind and I was able to fall asleep easily last night instead of worrying about what my waking temp would be today. And sure enough, my temp went way up to 98.0 this morning! There’s no mistaking that temp shift. Whew! So if it remains high, then I can confirm that I ovulated some time yesterday. I’m feeling pretty foolish for putting that post up yesterday and seeing my temp go up today. Talk about jumping the gun! I really think my body was having a good laugh at my expense, but at least I know I’m back on track with only a few days delay and all your advice really helped! Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/328551735287917191/ After seeing that temp shift, I turned off my alarm and fell back to sleep until 10:00. It was bliss! I haven’t been able to sleep in that late in ages, and I can’t believe what a difference it has made in my mood today. So now I’m back in the dreaded TWW again, but […]

WTF is My Body Doing?

It’s been such a crazy time lately and I’ve been so out of touch with this blog. I’ve been reading all my fellow bloggers posts and commenting when I have time, but have been completely neglecting my own blog. To recap, last cycle we got pregnant and had a chemical pregnancy that ended just a few days after I first saw a positive pregnancy test. It was my 5th loss in less than 4 years. It all happened so fast, and while my parents were visiting, so I didn’t have time to process it at all. Then, just 4 days later, my college roommate and her husband flew in for a long weekend. It was great to spend time with them but it was a whirlwind weekend of shopping and site-seeing with only a short break on the beach last Saturday to enjoy the 85 degree weather, and then a Saint Patrick’s Day party on Sunday that lasted all day in the hot sun. We continued the party at our house and only got a short nap in before seeing our friends off to the airport at 4AM on Monday morning. We barely got back to sleep when we were […]

You Will Soon Witness a Miracle

A few days ago, we went for dinner at PF Changs, and at the end of our meal, they brought us fortune cookies. This was mine: I have to admit, my faith has been stretched pretty thin the past several weeks, but seeing that little strip of paper reminded me to not give up in a moment when I was feeling pretty hopeless. Okay God, I’m listening. I won’t give up. I won’t lose faith. You might recall that last month I posted the image below. I’m re-posting it because I’m seeing it in a different light now.  We saw this boulder on the drive between Temecula and Palm Springs. It says, “I’m Right Here. Don’t Let Me Go”. At the time, I thought it was a sign that my FET would be successful, but now I realize I needed reminding that it might not all go according to plan, but I’m not alone and I shouldn’t let go of my faith and hope. And now in the wake of another miscarriage, I get this fortune. If these aren’t a sign from a higher power, I don’t know what is. I know this journey isn’t going to be easy. It […]