Officially Not Pregnant

I had my confirmation blood test today and it was still negative. It’s official. Our little embryo didn’t take. I’m completely devastated. I really thought this work, and I never allowed myself to think of the alternative. I know, bad idea, but I just didn’t want to let the negative thoughts in. It was as though I thought if I kept a positive attitude, I could will the final result to be positive, but that obviously wasn’t the case. So… what do we do now? Good question. I honestly don’t know. We have an appointment with Dr. J on Wednesday to discuss our options, but I just don’t know what we can handle anymore, financially or emotionally. So we’ll see. For tonight, I’m drinking some wine because I can and trying to not think about the future and what we should do right now. I just need a night where I’m not thinking about having a baby, or all my losses or anything. I’m tired of it all. Thank you everyone for all your love and support. I feel a little stronger dealing with all of this now then I have in the past with all my losses and other […]

Negative Beta and Feeling Lost

Thank you everyone for all your love and support over the past few days. I wish I had better news to share, but unfortunately I don’t. It’s official, the blood test was negative today. I knew as soon as I heard the nurse’s voice that it was bad news. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. But at least I wasn’t surprised. Even though she discouraged me from testing on my own, at least it allowed me to be prepared for the final result. Well almost final result. As if this wasn’t bad enough, I have to go back in on Monday and re test, “just in case”. Although it’s very unlikely, there’s still a small possibility that I could have a late implantation and we have to wait to confirm. So this means, I have to wait some more and still have to use the messy progesterone suppositories and I still have to act pregnant, even though all I want to do is drown myself in a bottle of wine right now. I feel so lost right now. This was our one chance. I have no idea what to do now. After Monday’s confirmation, we’ll meet with Dr. […]

6dp5dt – Losing Hope

Well a lot has changed in the past 3 days. I wish I could say it was for the better, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. I have been feeling a lot of cramping that’s gotten steadily more noticeable in the past couple days and my breasts were starting to get really sore. I thought this must have been a good sign, so I decided to do an FRER HPT, yesterday. I know I shouldn’t have. The nurse specifically told me not to, but I know FRER is really sensitive and can detect the smallest traces of HCG, and I told myself from the start that I would test a day or two before so I could prepare myself. Well it was negative. And I did another test this morning and it was negative too. I’m devestaded. How can I be feeling all of this and it be negative? I guess it could be the progesterone, but I didn’t feel any of this before the transfer. It’s so messed up. I know it’s not over until the beta tomorrow, but I’m not too hopeful anymore that the result will be different with the blood test. I know this is why the […]

3dp5dt FET

Today is 3dp5dt (3 days past 5 day [blastocyst] transfer). Well actually it’s the 4th day since my transfer, but it seems that the first day is counted as day 0, or at least that’s what the consensus seems to be on all the sites I’ve looked at. What does this really mean? Not too much yet. I still have 4 days until my first beta, but I really have a good feeling about this. Quite literally – I’m already feeling stuff! The first 2 days, I just felt really tired. The first day was probably from lying around all day after my transfer, but then we drove out to Temecula on Saturday for our friends’ wedding and even though I did absolutely nothing except sit in the car, and then sit at the wedding (I didn’t even dance), I felt exhausted all day. The wedding was so beautiful. It took place at the Wilson Creek Winery and it was absolutely magical. However, it was hard for me to fully enjoy it because I was so tired, and it’s always weird being the only sober person in a room. So I left the festivities at 10:30 when the wedding was […]

Transfer Day

Today was finally my transfer day! I woke up an hour before my alarm today, but I actually slept last night. I think I got up once to pee, but otherwise slept straight through until 6am. It was so great to go into today’s appointment feeling rested and calm. Then when I got to the clinic, my acupuncturist was already there and waiting for me so I didn’t have to wait at all. She took me to the same treatment room that my transfer would happen in, but it was set up all zen-like with soft music, a pretty screen, and there was even a sofa and a sitting chair. It felt more like a cozy sitting room than a procedure room. So I had no problem getting comfortable and actually fell asleep within minutes! I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t sleep at all before both retrievals, but had no problem last night and today! Then my acupuncturist came back in and let me empty some of my bladder so I wouldn’t be too uncomfortable. I was thankful to be able to do so. I’ve heard some pretty awful stories of some clinics not letting you pee at all and […]

TWW Days 4 and 5 and the Day Before the Big Day

Tomorrow is transfer day! Woohoo!  I’m so excited and anxious, I can barely contain it. In just a couple of hours, I’ll go to sleep (please let me sleep), and when I wake up, I’ll finally be going in for my transfer! We have one normal embryo. Our one shot at this, our little embie girl. To say there’s a lot riding on this is an understatement, but I have so much optimism that this is going to work. Please, please let me be right. I honestly don’t know how I’ll be if it doesn’t, but I can’t think about that right now. Right now, I only have room in my thoughts for her. For that single rose blooming on that vine. She is our little bloom and I just feel in my heart that this is going to work. And at least I know I have done everything I could to make it work. The rest is out of our hands. The plan for tomorrow I’ll empty my bladder before I leave the house. Then I have acupuncture at my fertility clinic at 9:30. Then once acupuncture is done, I’ll start drinking water to get a full bladder, and […]

FET Progesterone Day 3 / 2WW – Care Package #3

Today’s package was a really special gift. It was a small journal with pink fur and hearts on it. My dear friend had no way of knowing that our embryo would be a girl, and yet the little book is so obviously girlie. I think it’s a really good sign that this little girl embtyo is meant to be. Inside the book, my friend inscribed the following: Legend says, when you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dream. My dreams are for you in this journey. Love you my dear friend. I have several journals that I’ve written in about all my pregnancies, as well as all the moments of trying in between. This is perfect because you can never have enough journals! And I know I’m going to have many sleepless nights in the upcoming weeks (months) while I wait to find out if this works and I think this little book will be the perfect place to write down all the thoughts that are keeping me up. I love the idea that someone else is dreaming about me and for me on those sleepless nights. Package #3 Quote: “When the world says ‘Give […]

FET Progesterone Day 2 / 2WW – Care Package #2

Today is my second day of progesterone suppositories. So far it’s all going fine and I’m not noticing any progesterone symptoms yet. Other than a mild, achy headache, I feel pretty good. This is great news, because hopefully it means I won’t confuse pregnancy symptoms with progesterone symptoms. Other than that, I’m doing pretty good. Just getting so anxious for this to happen!  Work is also pretty slow right now so I don’t have that as a distraction though, just for this week and maybe next, I don’t really mind. I work from home doing freelance Graphic Design and Web Design. I only worked 3 hours today, which is good and bad. I never want to say no to a new project because I don’t know when the next project/contract will come along, so there are days when I’m working from 6am – 8pm, but then when it’s really slow, I worry because I don’t know how long the lull will last, so I never really enjoy it when I have time off. However, just for the next couple weeks, I’m happy it’s slow. Even though it gives me more time to think about the events to come, I can […]

Progesterone Day 1- 2WW Day 1?

Five months ago, at the start of my IVF/PGD journey, a good friend of mine sent me a care package. I first talked about it in my Sharing The Love post back in September. You can click on the link above to read the original story, but to sum it up, she sent me a care package with 14 individually wrapped packages for every day of the 2 Week Wait, with an inspirational quote on it. She sent it to me right after my first egg retrieval so I would have it for my 2WW, but then we decided to batch my eggs and do another retrieval before proceeding with PGD, so I put the box with all the packages away in my spare room (hopefully soon to be nursery) and waited. Now five months and a new year later, I am finally ready for my transfer! However, I wasn’t sure how the 2WW works with FET because my embryo is already a 5-day blastocyst and we’ll be transferring her on Friday after I’ve been on progesterone for 6 days, so I figured since today is the first day of the progesterone suppositories and the medication is mimicking what my […]

FET is a go!!!

First of all, thank you all for your support and encouragement, and thank you especially to those of you who checked in with me before my appointment today to wish me well. All your positive thoughts and wishes have really helped me through this long wait! I’m sorry I took all day to report back on my appointment. I just haven’t had a spare moment to sit down and write until now! I had a lunch date with a couple girlfriends after my appointment, then I had several errands to run, and work to do when I got back home. Then I was finally sitting down to write my update about an hour ago when my hubby got home from work and distracted me. He’s off to a weekend long bachelor party camping trip up at Big Bear Mountain so I wanted to spend a few minutes with him before he left. He was so happy he was practically giddy. He walked in the house and picked me up off the couch and asked “We’re good?”. He already knew because I had texted him earlier in the day, but and I laughed and said, “Yes, we’re good! We’re a go!”, […]