A Relaxing Holiday

The past week has been good. Quiet, but relaxing and peaceful. Our family is scattered all over the place with my husband’s parents visiting India right now, his brother in Baltimore, and his sister and my family are all in Canada, so we were on our own for Christmas this year. It’s hard being so far away from family during the Holidays, but with everything going on with us right now, it was nice to be on our own and just relax. We spent a quite Christmas Eve at home with just us and our kitties. We cuddled up on the couch and watched our favorite Christmas movies: It’s a Wonderful Life for my hubby and Miracle of 34th Street for me, and then rounded off the evening with A Christmas Story marathon. We exchanged gifts at midnight and slept in on Christmas morning. Then, after lounging about all morning, we went to a movie in the afternoon and had a lovely dinner with another couple. We had a great meal, played games and just relaxed. It was the laziest Christmas ever. And it was perfect. My lazy Holiday continued through the entire weekend with a few get-togethers with friends and […]

What Should Have Been

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the due date for miscarriage #2. It was a pretty rough day. I spent the morning moping around the house, feeling sorry for myself. If things were different, we would have been celebrating a first birthday for Christmas this year. And when I thought about that, my thoughts started spiraling down the would-have, should-have been path of all the things that could have been. If I had a normal, healthy pregnancy with my first, and didn’t get Preeclampsia/HELLP Syndrome, I would have delivered my son full term and he would be with us right now. We’d have a rambunctious 3 ½ year old boy full of joy and excitement for Christmas. If my second pregnancy hadn’t resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks, we would have a 2 ½ year old girl or boy. If pregnancy #3 hadn’t resulted in my second miscarriage, we would have a 1 year old right now. And if my last miscarriage hadn’t happened, I’d be going in for a c-section right about now—I can’t have a vaginal delivery because of my emergency c-section at 27 weeks with my first pregnancy (another regret)—but instead, all of these pregnancies went wrong, […]

Celebrating 6 Years With My Love

Six years ago today (well yesterday now since it’s after midnight), I married the love of my life. It’s hard to believe it’s been six years already and yet we’ve been through so much together in that time, it should feel like a lifetime. It’s a true testament to our relationship that we’ve been through everything we have been, and it still feels like just yesterday that I said I do. As I think back on it all, I feel truly blessed. I will never forget that magical day, six years ago when we stood up in front of our family and friends and vowed to love each other through better or worse. And we have. I’ll never forget any of it… The amazing trips we’ve taken together so far. Adopting our kitties. The morning I took my first pregnancy test ever and it was positive, and I waking my husband up (pee stick still in hand) and telling him we were pregnant. I’ll never forget the look of sleepy joy he had on his face. I’ll never forget the anxiety and fear we felt when we were told I had to have an emergency c-section at 27 weeks. Or […]

And Now We Wait… Again

The past few days have been eventful and uneventful all at the same time. I got my period the day after hearing the news about our embryo, and I got really excited thinking we would be proceeding right away, but then I had my followup appointment with my doctor and I left the conversation feeling a little deflated. The most important fact is we have our one embryo and this is absolutely cause for celebration! We still have a shot at this! We’re still in the game! Before I go over my discussion with Dr, J, I just have to highlight that because this is really great news! However, my conversation with Dr. J was a little sobering and depressing… We went over my history and discussed all my previous pregnancies. We talked a lot about my first pregnancy and how even though our son didn’t survive, it was due to a rare condition of pregnancy, Preeclampsia, and not because of a genetic abnormality, so we know I have some good eggs left.  And because I carried him to 27 weeks, we also know I can carry a baby and my uterus works as it should. We also know from my […]

And Then There Was One

My doctor emailed me with the results of the PGD testing today, and we have 1 normal embryo out of the final 4. A girl. I immediately burst into tears upon reading the results. I was so relieved and also sad. The other 3 were abnormal and were another girl and 2 boys. My doctor attached the report from the PGD lab with his email and seeing the actual results was rather surreal. Two girls, two boys, but only one with normal chromosomes. My hubby was at work and has to keep his phone off when at work, so I called my Mom and she too burst into tears, so there we were both blubbering on the phone. We’re so relieved that we at least have one shot at this. Thank you God! Above is a picture I took on my walk today. There on the side of a wall was a single pink rose growing on a vine. A single bloom, just like our girl. I took this as a really good sign! Now I wait for my period to come and we’ll hopefully proceed with FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) of our little star. I have a phone appointment […]

Still Waiting

I contemplated writing a post tonight since I don’t have any updates, but I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for all your words of encouragement and hope. I was really feeling scared and sad yesterday, but your support really helped bring me out of my funk and renewed my hope. I went out for another long walk today because it really does help clear my head, and because even though I’ve been living here in Southern California for 6 years now, I don’t think I will ever get used the fact that its beautiful and sunny outside in December. Sometimes I miss snow at this time of the year, but then I hear reports of weather being -30 Celsius back home, and I don’t miss it so much. So today on my walk, I took in the smell of fresh cut grass, felt the sun on my skin, and stopped to literally smell (and take pictures of) the flowers, and I thought about all I was thankful for. Foremost on that list is my hubby, who I get to pick up at the airport in 3 hours, and I’m beyond excited to see; our family, especially […]

Final Four

Dr. J emailed me today with a status report on our embryos. His exact words were “… 4 blastocysts were biopsied. This is a good start.” I honestly didn’t know how to react to this news. The fact that 4 out 11 embryos reached day 5 is a decent percentage (36%), and we were told the average survival rate of embryos reaching 5-day blastocyst in the lab is about 30%, so we’re right where we should be, but will 4 be enough? Will this give us enough of a chance of having at least one healthy embryo after PGD? I’m trying to stay optimistic, but the closer we get to finding out, I’m kind of freaking out a bit. After getting the email. I went for a long walk to clear my head. I was in a real funk. Five days ago, we had 11 possibilities, and now we have four. It really scares me. I also can’t help grieving for those 7 that didn’t make it. These were 7 tiny little lives that we created, and their existence was over so quick. I know I shouldn’t think about it that way. If they didn’t survive to 5-day blast in […]

Worldwide Candle Lighting

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor the memories of the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and grandchildren who left too soon. As candles are lit at 7:00 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of all children gone too soon. The Compassionate Friends: Providing Grief Support After the Death of a Child “The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.” –Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends Click to read more: The Compassionate Friends

Day 5 Distraction: Finishing a Painting I Started 3 Years Ago

First things first, I have not heard from Dr. J to tell me how many of my embryos survived to today, 5-day blastocyst, and were biopsied for PGD. He said he wouldn’t call until Tuesday, but I really wish he would give me a status update. I’m so anxious to know how they’re doing. I just keep praying, no news is good news. Tuesday, cannot come fast enough! On that note, I definitely needed a good distraction today, so I decided to tackle a project that is very dear to me, but I have been avoiding for over 3 years. Shortly before my first miscarriage and a year after we lost our son, I began a painting in memory of him. Then I found out I was pregnant again and stopped painting because I was worried about the paint fumes. I only paint with acrylic paints so they really aren’t toxic, but I worry and didn’t want to take any chances. Then we miscarried and I just wasn’t in the right head space to resume working on it. And then I had another miscarriage and another, and I just never came back to it. So today, I was wondering what […]

Day 5

It’s 12:30 am, so I’m going to say it’s now day 5. Our sweet embryos should have reached 5-day blastocyst by now or by later today. Fingers cross! Some time today they should be ready. The embryologist will take a small biopsy from the portion of each embryo that will make up the placenta and send it to the PGD lab. I still haven’t heard from Dr J, so praying this means at least some of them are doing well. Either way, we should know soon. Day 4 Distraction Activity: Girls Night! Tonight I’m up late and only posting now because I had some good friends over for a girls night. It was the perfect distraction! It was so great to just relax and spend time catching up. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. It was exactly what I needed. None of the girls have kids yet. They’re not even married yet, and it was just so refreshing to listen to their crazy stories of the dates they’ve been on and the ups and downs of single life. It really put things into perspective for me. For one thing, nobody’s life is perfect. I may not have […]