Final Four

Dr. J emailed me today with a status report on our embryos. His exact words were “… 4 blastocysts were biopsied. This is a good start.” I honestly didn’t know how to react to this news. The fact that 4 out 11 embryos reached day 5 is a decent percentage (36%), and we were told the average survival rate of embryos reaching 5-day blastocyst in the lab is about 30%, so we’re right where we should be, but will 4 be enough? Will this give us enough of a chance of having at least one healthy embryo after PGD? I’m trying to stay optimistic, but the closer we get to finding out, I’m kind of freaking out a bit.

After getting the email. I went for a long walk to clear my head. I was in a real funk. Five days ago, we had 11 possibilities, and now we have four. It really scares me. I also can’t help grieving for those 7 that didn’t make it. These were 7 tiny little lives that we created, and their existence was over so quick. I know I shouldn’t think about it that way. If they didn’t survive to 5-day blast in the lab, they probably wouldn’t have survived in me either, but not knowing for sure is really messing with my head. I realize now that this is why I was so reluctant to go this route. It took a lot of convincing to get me here. I thought it was just because of the risk, but now I know it’s also because I knew I’d have a hard time with the loss of the ones that didn’t make it.

Today is Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting. It’s meant to remember our lost children, taken from us too soon. Tonight, I lit a candle for my son Holdon, but also for my 3 miscarriages and another special candle for my fallen embryos. I felt a little better after lighting the candles. I sat and prayed for all my angels. They are in good hands, but oh how I wish they were with me.

Now I have to move forward and think about the four still going strong. After the biopsy, they froze the four so they will be ready for next cycle if we have a viable one for transfer. Dr J will follow up as soon as the PGD results are in, which will hopefully be by Tuesday. Only a couple more days to go, but it might as well be next year. I have no idea how I’m going to sleep the next 2 days!

On a happier note, I continued to work on my painting today. I didn’t make a lot of progress because I was in such a funk today, but I’m glad I decided to work on it even for just a little bit. Below is a cropped portion of the area I worked on today. It still needs a lot of work, but I thought I’d post anyway so you all could see how it’s coming along.

Progess-detail2

12 thoughts on “Final Four

  1. Oh I’m pleased! Remember, just a few days ago we prayed they fertilized, and then we prayed for them to grow–now there’s 4 five day blasts! I’m sorry that 7 of the 11 didn’t make it, but you know, how many “almost blastocysts” have failed to launch in our uterus’ in our lifetimes? More than we know–and regardless of the arena (womb or lab) nature made the selection, not you sweets, so please don’t feel like you’ve done any harm. XO

    1. Thanks hon. I really needed to hear that! And you’re right, we’ve already gotten a lot further then I though we would. It means so much to have your support!

  2. This comment is just so you know I’m here. Walking in step with you and cheering for you all the way. Hoping you get the news you want on Tuedsay.

  3. Four really is a great number, and I agree with MLACS, if you hadn’t done this procedure those eggs/embryos wouldn’t have had any chance whatsoever (because most wouldn’t have been ovulated at all). So if anything, you just gave them more of a chance. Hoping there’s at least one perfect little embryo in the four.

  4. Jo, don’t be to hard on yourself. Your blog followers all gave you hope and I’m happy you have such great friends and support. Keep the Faith. Hugs.

  5. I know it’s tough, when you look at the odds and think – is this enough, is it enough to give me a shot at this working? Just try to remember (as I try to remember every day) that more than zero is a good start, and that you have done everything within your power to make this work. I just got an email from someone I truly admire and have worked with a long time who has struggled with IF and recurrent loss, and here was an excerpt that I want to pass along to you that really helped me (will post the whole thing on my blog later). “I know that this time feels excruciatingly long. It’s out of your hands now. You did all the right stuff, now the universe takes over. I know how hard that is for achievers, but it’s really true. Your work is done for now, and you did good.” Hoping that both of our Final Fours lead to a magnificent future.

    1. Thanks for sharing your friend’s words hon. They mean so much. You are right, we have already come so far, and have done all we can do. The waiting and seeing part is so much harder, but we just have to keep having faith. Praying for that magnificent future for both of us!

  6. Oh, the waiting! So, so hard. I hope you are feeling encouraged…you are right on target, but it is so hard to lose any of our babies, even the ones that are just days old. They are all ours, and they have our hearts! I’ll be praying the other 4 go strong. Hang in there in the waiting….your painting is beautiful, by the way! So talented! I didn’t know about this candle-lighting day….I will check the link, but praying your head and heart clear and you can look ahead with HOPE! Hugs, friend.

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