Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the due date for miscarriage #2. It was a pretty rough day. I spent the morning moping around the house, feeling sorry for myself. If things were different, we would have been celebrating a first birthday for Christmas this year. And when I thought about that, my thoughts started spiraling down the would-have, should-have been path of all the things that could have been. If I had a normal, healthy pregnancy with my first, and didn’t get Preeclampsia/HELLP Syndrome, I would have delivered my son full term and he would be with us right now. We’d have a rambunctious 3 ½ year old boy full of joy and excitement for Christmas. If my second pregnancy hadn’t resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks, we would have a 2 ½ year old girl or boy. If pregnancy #3 hadn’t resulted in my second miscarriage, we would have a 1 year old right now. And if my last miscarriage hadn’t happened, I’d be going in for a c-section right about now—I can’t have a vaginal delivery because of my emergency c-section at 27 weeks with my first pregnancy (another regret)—but instead, all of these pregnancies went wrong, and here I am, with only the thoughts of those tiny lives…

I remember every single moment of all of them, but pregnancy #3/miscarriage #2 was especially difficult because it felt like it would never end. I remember seeing the faint positive line at 8 dpo, and feeling cautiously optimistic. My first pregnancy went wrong for an entirely different reason, and we were told the second pregnancy and first miscarriage was likely just an anomaly. I actually allowed myself to believe it wouldn’t happen again, but then I went in for a confirmation pee test at 12dpo at the clinic and the nurse told me it was negative. I was confused. I was scared. The nurse told me I shouldn’t have tested so early because sometimes they end really soon and we shouldn’t put ourselves through that. I wanted to slap her. Her cold, dismissive attitude was too much. After arguing with her for a while, she relented and sent me for a blood test to confirm, and then I went home and emailed Dr. S, my OB from my previous 2 pregnancies. I explained what happened and sent her a picture of my positive FRER test. My doctor (bless her) emailed me back almost immediately and said, “yes, yes that is definitely a positive test and your hcg is 108.32. You’re definitely pregnant!”. The hcg was a little low, but it was still really early so I was relieved, but then I went for another beta 4 days later and my HCG was only 174.04. It hadn’t even doubled in 4 days. Bad sign. But we did another beta 2 days later and this time the result more than doubled, so we were a little more hopeful. Dr. S told me slow rising betas are usually a sign that the pregnancy is not developing as it should, but sometimes (though rarely) it just means a slow start and she had seen cases where it resulted in a healthy baby, and that the first ultrasound would tell us more. So I went in at 6 weeks for an ultrasound, but unfortunately, it was bad news. There was a gestational sac but no fetal pole and therefore no heartbeat. Dr. S told me this was called a Blighted Ovum, and indicated that the pregnancy was not progressing as is should. However, she said, “I know you know your body and know the dates, but lets do another ultrasound in a week just to make sure you didn’t ovulate later than you thought”. She had been my OB through my first pregnancy and was just as devastated when we lost our son, and she grieved with us when we didn’t see a heartbeat earlier that year with my second pregnancy. I think she really, really wanted to believe in a miracle for us too. However, I was charting everything like crazy back then and I tested positive at 8 dpo, so I knew that I didn’t ovulate later than I thought, but like her, I wanted to be in denial so I agreed to come back for another ultrasound the following week. Then I went on-line and Googled everything I could about Blighted Ovums, and I came upon the website: www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com. This site had real stories of women being told they had a Blighted Ovum, but then saw a perfectly healthy baby in a subsequent ultrasound. I wanted so badly to believe that this would be the same for us, that I actually went into the next ultrasound believing we would see a perfect 7 week baby, but we didn’t. The gestational sac had grown a bit, but there still was no baby inside. The embryo had obviously stopped developing early, and it was only the pregnancy hormones that were tricking my body into thinking it was still pregnant. It was the worst kind of mind F**k I’ve ever experienced. And like the miscarriage before, my body didn’t want to let go of it. It was like it too couldn’t accept that this was happening again. Not only was my mind in denial, but so was my body.

I waited for two weeks for it to end and happen naturally. Then at around 9 weeks, I went in for another ultrasound just to be sure, and yep no change, so my doctor encouraged me to have another D & C, but I really didn’t want to. With my c-section from my first pregnancy and D & C from my second, I was scared about scarring. Dr. S respected my wishes and continued to monitor me for another week or so, then at 10 ½ weeks, I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted it to be over, so I decided to do the Misoprostol medication. I was scared to take the medication because I had read and heard many stories about how awful the medication could be. I could expect really heavy bleeding and cramps at the best and almost hemorrhaging like bleeding at the worse and all the while knowing in the back of my mind that this is the same medication some women use to terminate a pregnancy. Another mind F**k. At any rate, this was the only non-surgical option to speed things along and I was desperate for it to end by this point, so I did it. I inserted the tablets in the evening before going to bed and expected it to happen sometime in the night. I put down towels, took the pain meds and went to bed, and laid awake all night in fear of the events to come. But nothing happened. I called my doctor the next day and she told me to wait another 24 hours and if nothing happened, then to use the second dose she prescribed. After another 24 hours of hell, I took the second dose, and about 4 hours later, I began to have severe cramps, but only moderate bleeding. I wasn’t even fully soaking a pad. I was in complete hell by this point. I just wanted it to be over, but my body just didn’t want to let go. I went in for an ultrasound the next day to see what was happening and it confirmed that only part of the fetal tissues had passed. We talked about a D & C again, but I was really unsure of it after my previous surgeries, so we agreed to monitor it and wait and see. The following week I went in and my doctor did a fetal biopsy to try and help move everything out, and sent the tissues for analysis. The results were inconclusive, but I had quite a lot of bleeding after that, so we all believed it was done.

Dr. S then recommended us to a REI because even though this was only 2 miscarriages, it was our third loss in only 2 years. So we met with the first REI, Dr. K (she is not the same one we have now). We had a consultation and she told me to call the clinic when I got my first period after the miscarriage so she could do a complete exam. That was June. I waited and spotted on and off, and kept thinking I was getting my period, but then I’d do a pregnancy test to confirm and it was still positive! This went on for months. I bled off and on and kept seeing faint positive lines. They were getting fainter and fainter, but they were still there. Finally, on September 6th, 2012 I got full flow bleeding and took a pregnancy test and it was finally negative. I have never been so relieved to see a negative pregnancy test in my life. Another mind F**k. So we were finally able to proceed with testing and went in for a saline ultrasound and did blood work to determine my AMH and FSH. It was bad news all around. The ultrasound showed a small mass in my uterus. Dr. K suspected it was retained products of conception because it took so long for my hormones to normalize, but it was hard to tell on the ultrasound so she sent me for an MRI and scheduled me for a hysteroscopy to rule out a fibroid, or some other kind of growth. The MRI provided better imaging for the specialist who did the hysteroscopy. It took 2 months to get in to see the specialist, so we had to wait some more. Meanwhile, the blood work came back and my AMH was really low (<0.16), and my FSH was pretty high (14.4). More bad news. Although we were getting pregnant on our own and fairly quickly, it appeared that I had diminished ovarian reserve, and it was the likely cause of my miscarriages because these numbers indicate poor egg quality. So there it was. A sort of explanation. I always feared, it was me who was doing something wrong, and although this was beyond my control, it was a serious blow to find out it was indeed my fault, or at least my body’s fault. I proceeded to have a complete breakdown after that. It was at that time that I decided to start seeing a fertility acupuncturist. I didn’t believe it would solve all my problems, but I really needed something to rejuvenate my body and spirit. And it really did help. I felt better than I had in months. That was mid November 2012. Then on November 20th, 2012, I went in for the hysteroscopy. It was the worst experience ever. Even worse than my c-section because at least with that, I was completely numb from the waist down. With the hysterscopy, I was awake with only local anesthesia and ibuprofen for the pain. I felt everything, and to make it worse, I got so cold from shock. I couldn’t stop shivering for almost an hour after the procedure. They had 3 heated blankets on me and I still couldn’t get warm and it made the cramping worse. It was hell. The only positive thing about the whole ordeal was that we got a telescopic view of my uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries and it all looked good. The doctor removed the mass which was only a few mm (hard to believe), and he said my uterus looked really good for having had a c-section and a D & C. I had barely any scarring. So that was good news, and the analysis on the tissue confirmed it was retained products of conception. I was relieved to find out it wasn’t anything serious, and finally, after 8 months of hell and one month before my due date, my third pregnancy was over. Needless to say, last year was not a good Christmas and we didn’t really celebrate it, but at least we were moving forward again. Dr. K told us it was reasonable to try again on our own since we do get pregnant easily, but if it took more than 3 or 4 cycles, or if we had another loss, then to not wait anymore and consider IVF with PGD. Well as you all know, we did have another loss and we decided to proceed with PGD. I’ll talk more about this loss on the due date next month. I’m just too exhausted to think about any more loss tonight. However, I will say that I didn’t even hesitate with the last loss and had a D & C right away, and the chromosomal analysis showed an abnormality: Trisomy of Chromosome 5. It was at this point that I decided to change doctors and go with a different REI. It’s not that I had a problem with Dr. K. She was very knowledgeable, and we had already gone through a lot with her,  but Dr. J specializes in PGD and came highly recommended by my acupuncturist, so it just felt right to move on and move forward with Dr. J.

So this brings me to today and here we are in the middle of more waiting, and more time to think about everything. As I moped about yesterday morning, I considered the plan I had to go see a friend of mine. I was looking forward to seeing her and dreading seeing her all at the same time. I had a Christmas gift for her daughter and wanted to give it to her since I wasn’t sure if I would get to see her another time before Christmas. But I dreaded seeing her because she is expecting a baby on January 10th, just 5 days after the due date for my most recent miscarriage. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled for her. She’s had her own experiences with loss and this pregnancy is a happy ending for her, but it’s so hard to see her getting close to her due date and knowing that if things had been different this last time around, I would have been delivering around the same time. I should be as big as she is and anticipating a new arrival any time now. I feel so selfish thinking about it, but it’s hard not too. I almost cancelled plans, but it would have been the second time this week, and as I said, I was torn because I really did want want to see her, and I figured it was better to get out of the house and go spend time with a friend then sit at home alone. I work from home and work has been slow this past week  because of the Holidays so I didn’t even have work to distract me. So I got dressed and got myself organized and headed out the door before I could change my mind. However, the errands I ran before heading over to her house took much less time then I thought, so I ended up at her house early and she wasn’t home yet. I sat in my car for a few minutes and thought about going home. It was beginning to feel like this wasn’t meant to be, but then I thought, perhaps the reason I got there so early is because I needed to get out of the house and enjoy the day. It was a beautiful, warm Southern California kind of day, so I decided to walk down to the beach. It’s crazy, but even though I live near the beach, I don’t get down there as often as I should, but I’m so glad I did yesterday. As I walked along the beach, and looked out at the ocean, I couldn’t help feeling that anything was possible.  Yes, lots of terrible things have happened to us for a long time now, but looking at the ocean sparkling in the sun reminded me that the world is large and mysterious, and anything can happen in a world that is capable of such beauty. I felt the warmth of the sun and felt fresh and alive. In that moment, I knew anything was possible. After that, I went back to my friend’s house and enjoyed her company and even found myself volunteering to be her back up babysitter for her daughter when she goes into labor.

I went home feeling much better and more positive. No matter what happens in the New Year, I know there’s still hope for us.