6dp5dt – Losing Hope

My Hope Jar2WW, FET, Healing Through Sharing, IVF and PGD

Well a lot has changed in the past 3 days. I wish I could say it was for the better, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. I have been feeling a lot of cramping that’s gotten steadily more noticeable in the past couple days and my breasts were starting to get really sore. I thought this must have been a good sign, so I decided to do an FRER HPT, yesterday. I know I shouldn’t have. The nurse specifically told me not to, but I know FRER is really sensitive and can detect the smallest traces of HCG, and I told myself from the start that I would test a day or two before so I could prepare myself. Well it was negative. And I did another test this morning and it was negative too. I’m devestaded. How can I be feeling all of this and it be negative? I guess it could be the progesterone, but I didn’t feel any of this before the transfer. It’s so messed up. I know it’s not over until the beta tomorrow, but I’m not too hopeful anymore that the result will be different with the blood test. I know this is why the nurse didn’t want me to test beforehand. She warned me so I wouldn’t get all depressed and drive myself crazy, but I just couldn’t help myself. And it’s true, I’ve been driving myself crazy Googling false negatives on 6dp5dt all day. It does happen, I’ve found many stories of women having negatives as late as 8dp5dt and then a positive blood test, but it’s not clear from those stories whether they used FRER. I know for a fact that FRER can detect really low amounts of HCG. With miscarriage #2, I kept testing to see if my hormones had gone down to normal. For months I kept getting positive HPTs. It was the miscarriage from hell that wouldn’t end. My doctor kept having me come in and check my betas, and I remember we were both surprised that I still had a positive FRER with a beta of only 12. The other thing is that with all my pregnancies, I’ve tested positive 8dpo. Today would technically be 10dpo, and it’s negative. So I just don’t know what to think anymore. I guess FET is different and the embryo could have been hanging out for a few days and be only just implanting now and that’s why my test was negative, but I’m just not too sure how possible that is.

I’m trying so hard to stay positive and hopeful, but it’s really hard today. The only thing keeping me together right now is the love and support from my wonderful and amazing friends and family and all of you. My sister in-law is visiting right now, and last night when I was especially down, she presented me with this book.

Book

My best friend back home in Canada had put this together with my SIL and a few other friends of mine from there, and then my sister in-law passed it around to my friends here, as well as there were printed messages from some of my other friends and family who are scattered about across Canada and the US. Inside are quotes, clippings of special messages, drawings from my friends kids and nieces and nephews and even a beautiful drawing of a lotus flower with orchids from one of my fellow artist friends. It’s incredible. I couldn’t stop crying when I flipped through it last night. I have no idea what to do now if this doesn’t work, but I do know that I’m not alone. I am so incredibly blessed to have this kind of love and support in my life.

book2

Here are also my 2WW gifts for the past 3 days…

Package #10 Quote:

“What isn’t today, might be tomorrow.”

~Anonymous

2WW-PKG10-1

Package #11 Quote:

“When you are feeling your worst, that’s when you get to know yourself the best”

~Leslie Grossman

2WW-PKG11-1

Package #12 Quote:

“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark”

~George Iles

2WW-PKG12-1

These are all very appropriate quotes for my mood the past 2 days. I’m trying so hard to hold on to that faith and hope. Oh please, please. Praying for a miracle here!

Lastly, another good friend of mine sent me this to me today:

Thought I’d let you know that tomorrow marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year — the Year of the Horse, — bringing in luck, blessings and good fortune! with new adventures!
 
In Chinese astrology, Horse year is considered a fortunate year that brings luck and good things. Magical Horse has supernatural powers, is heroic, strong, and can even fly! A white celestial cloud Horse is sacred to the Chinese Goddess Kwan Yin. Her white Horse flies through the heavens, bringing peace and blessings. Horse is a hero in China because important battles were won due to the power and strength of the Horse.

Horse

More on the Year of the Horse!

http://susanlevitt.com/astrology/horse-year-2014/

Happy Chinese New Year Everyone!

31 thoughts on “6dp5dt – Losing Hope”

  3. Jo, don’t lose Hope yet, another 24hrs can make all the difference in the world. Wait and see what the blood test shows, OK. I still believe. Hugs.

  4. I praying so hard this is it for you. I do badly want this to work out. Don’t lose hope.,, anything can happen. Praying for a miracle. Wish I could do more…. With you in this and we are all here for you. Xoxo

  5. I welled up a little bit reading about your beautiful gift from your friends and family. That is so wonderful. Saying little prayers everyday for you. Hang in there. Hugs!

        1. Thanks hon. It was neg. I have to go back on Monday for another test to confirm in case of late implantation, but it’s not very likely. I feel really lost right now, but your support means so much.

  6. I can’t even imagine what you are feeling right now, but we are here sending love and hope for you. I wish I could just MAKE this happen for you, but since I can’t I will hope and believe with all my heart that the next 24 hours do produce that miracle. And that book is such a beautiful gift of love, you do have some very amazing friends and family.

  7. Sending prayers your way. Lots and lots of them. Don’t give up hope yet. You just can’t.. maybe that’s why you had that sign because it was going to happen like this? That you’d have your baby girl but it would be a late start. Hang in there. Hugs.

  9. I can’t believe you’re having to go through this hell of waiting :(. I still have hope for you, I can only hope with all I have you get your two lines tomorrow.

  11. All I can tell you is that I love you, and I’m here to help you through this no matter what the outcome. Stay strong honey, and I will anxiously await an update tomorrow.

  13. God, I know this place so well. I am sorry and so very sad for all of your suffering. I am also in awe of your amazing, loving friends and family.

    Most importantly, I am still hoping for a miracle and will be thinking of you and sending positive energy your way today.

  14. I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago and have been so inspired by you! My situation is similar I’m 37 and have had 3 miscarriages and lost my son to stillbirth last year. We’ve been debating on IVF/PGD and reading your story and your positive spirit has given me so much hope. So selfishly I’m cheering you on for encouragement for those in similar situations, but unselfishly I’m cheering you on because I know your pain and heartache and there is no one more deserving of their happy ending!!! Thinking of you and your little girl!!!

    1. Oh hon, I’m so glad I have been able to inspire you and give you hope. And I’m so sorry to hear about your losses too. I really wish I had better news for you. Unfortunately, my blood test was negative today. It’s so true. The heartache we have had to go through is unbelievable. And now I have to deal with more. I feel so lost right now and I’m not sure what the next step will be, but please don’t be discouraged by my story. At any rate, I have to go back in on Monday for a follow up test just to make sure and rule out late implantation. Who knows, as unlikely as it is, maybe we’ll still get our miracle.

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