Officially Not Pregnant

My Hope Jar2WW, FET, IVF and PGD

I had my confirmation blood test today and it was still negative. It’s official. Our little embryo didn’t take. I’m completely devastated. I really thought this work, and I never allowed myself to think of the alternative. I know, bad idea, but I just didn’t want to let the negative thoughts in. It was as though I thought if I kept a positive attitude, I could will the final result to be positive, but that obviously wasn’t the case. So… what do we do now? Good question. I honestly don’t know. We have an appointment with Dr. J on Wednesday to discuss our options, but I just don’t know what we can handle anymore, financially or emotionally. So we’ll see. For tonight, I’m drinking some wine because I can and trying to not think about the future and what we should do right now. I just need a night where I’m not thinking about having a baby, or all my losses or anything. I’m tired of it all.

Thank you everyone for all your love and support. I feel a little stronger dealing with all of this now then I have in the past with all my losses and other bad news because of all of you.

Final 2WW package quote:

“Promise me you’ll always Remember that…

you’re braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you know”

~Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

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It’s a tea/coffee cup with a cozy. This will be nice tomorrow when I enjoy my first cup of coffee in a long time. Added bonus: my kitty had fun playing with the wrapping paper and it made me smile.

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33 thoughts on “Officially Not Pregnant”

  1. My heart hurts. Love you so much and feeling so angry, sad, frustrated, devastated… Sending you love, comfort and strength. Love you.

    1. Thanks hon. I’m still feeling pretty lost right now, but hoping today’s appointment will give us some answers and help us figure out what to do now. Love you too.

    1. Thanks hon. I know I’ll be okay eventually, but it’s getting harder and harder to recover from all these blows. And this time, we thought we had a solution so it has been especially hard to accept. It’s been hard for all of us on this journey. It’s all so unfair. Praying things turn around soon!

  4. My heart aches with yours. I am so sorry. Enjoy your wine, live in the moment, take it day by day, use art-making as an outlet for it will become automatic therapy and pass the minutes with creation that heals. Many hugs to you.

    1. Thanks hon. That is all really good advice. I really am just taking it day by day right now. Today is a bit better then yesterday. We’re meeting with my doctor this morning so we’ll hopefully figure some things out. I’m so happy your ultrasound went well. I’m praying so hard this little one is THE one for you. Hugs back <3

    1. Thanks Thanks hon. Congratulations on your Liebster award nomination! Hope you’re surviving your 2WW. Praying for good news from you soon.

    1. Thanks hon. I’m double fisting my coffee right now. The past few days have been a blur, but I’m ok. We’re meeting with our doctor today. I’m feeling more hopeful that there may still a plan for us. We’ll see…

    1. Thanks hon. I have been enjoying that wine for the past 4 days 🙂 I’ve finally pulled myself out of the fog and I’m doing a bit better. I’m now looking to the future and trying to feel hopeful. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such a hard time too. Why is this so hard for so many of us?! Sending you lots of prayers.

  11. I am very sorry to hear that. I am currently in my final days of my hellacious tww… Sending lots of prayer and love your way!

  12. I was telling my husband about you a few days ago and the insane unfairness of what you’ve been through, and his reaction was ‘I can’t even imagine. How the hell does she keep it together?’. I’m sorry just doesn’t cut it for how frustrated and angry I am for you. I wish there was something more that could be said, but you are insanely strong to be surviving all this.

    1. Thanks hon. You and your husband have been through so much too. Your support means so much. I’m hanging in there. Sort of. I cry every time I think about all of this, but I’m okay if I shut my brain off for a bit. I still have hope that we’ll figure this out eventually. Sending you so many hopeful thoughts for your little one. I’m so relieved all is going well. You give me so much hope that all is not lost for us.

  13. I am so crushed for you, friend. I was praying and hoping so hard w you, too. It’s all just so unfair. Just so not fair. I admire your ability to process and even write the present moment. You are a remarkable woman. Wish I could fix this and make it all
    Go away. Sending lots and lots and LOTS of love and prayers. Be kind to yourself. Xoxo

    1. Thank you so much hon. I feel like I’m in a fog right now, but hanging in there. I cannot say how much your love and prayers mean to me. We’ve all been through so much more than anyone should ever have to go through. It’s all so unfair. I’m trying so hard to stay positive and have faith. It’s been difficult this week, but I still feel in my heart, that our journey isn’t over. Sending you so many prayers and lots of love too!

    1. Thanks hon. I’m doing much better and still feeling hopeful. We have a new plan with the doctor and I’m going into it with an open mind and an open heart.

  15. HI-I just wanted to see what your doctor told you in your follow up appointment. I am in a similar situation-3 miscarriages in less than a year at ages 33/34. AMH is low at 0.4. Just finished first IVF cycle with only 9 eggs retrieved, 7 mature and 4 fertilized. We were going to do CCS but not sure now with such low counts. I would like to think we will keep going but the $$ and emotional distress is tough.

    1. I’m so sorry I’m only replying now. The past few days have been a blur. I just posted and update that goes over everything, but I just wanted to send you a not and let you know you’re in my prayers. I’m not sure what you decided to do, but my clinic froze my first round of fertilized eggs and we did 2 rounds to batch my eggs. I got 5 fertilized eggs the first round and 6 the next. They thawed the first round and grew all 11 together in the lab. 4 made it to blastocyst and we tested those. The cost is a huge factor, and the second round ended up costing $6000 with the meds and fee from the clinic, but it did give us more numbers for the testing. However, we only had one normal embryo after testing and it was from the first round so the second round was a big waste of time and money. Unfortunately, we had no way of knowing that in advance, and our doctor wanted us to have more to send to increase our odds. Now we’re back at the drawing board and it looks like we’re going to do it all again. The emotional and financial distress is tough. We’ve borrowed the money to do some of this and are about to borrow more, but I just keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end. Keeping my fingers crossed for you and your little embies.

      1. Thanks so much for your reply. We are waiting to hear about our embies and may do a fresh transfer if there are 2 or less and just hope for the best. I really liked your last post-I plan to continue to keep trying as well. I refuse to believe that I am infertile at 34 especially when I seem to be able to get pregnant easily. Keep at it and I am certain you will get the baby you so deserve!!

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