It’s been such a crazy time lately and I’ve been so out of touch with this blog. I’ve been reading all my fellow bloggers posts and commenting when I have time, but have been completely neglecting my own blog. To recap, last cycle we got pregnant and had a chemical pregnancy that ended just a few days after I first saw a positive pregnancy test. It was my 5th loss in less than 4 years. It all happened so fast, and while my parents were visiting, so I didn’t have time to process it at all. Then, just 4 days later, my college roommate and her husband flew in for a long weekend. It was great to spend time with them but it was a whirlwind weekend of shopping and site-seeing with only a short break on the beach last Saturday to enjoy the 85 degree weather, and then a Saint Patrick’s Day party on Sunday that lasted all day in the hot sun. We continued the party at our house and only got a short nap in before seeing our friends off to the airport at 4AM on Monday morning. We barely got back to sleep when we were woken up by a 4.4 earthquake. It wasn’t that bad, but enough of a shaker to wake me up completely. I laid in bed until my alarm went off hoping I’d fall back to sleep but it was useless. I stumbled out of bed feeling sun-stroked and exhausted, but I couldn’t rest because I had a ton of work to catch up on. With crazy deadlines this week, I still haven’t been able to really process what happened last month. I know this is a recipe for disaster, that will likely rear it’s ugly head in the near future. There’s a lot to deal with in April, so I know a major breakdown is coming soon. I’m seriously dreading it.
Can I skip April and go on to May?
April is my very own personal hell month. Our son, Holdon, was born 3 months early on April 6th, 2010. He only lived for 3 1/2 months in the NICU and left us just 2 weeks after he should have been born. In 2 weeks, he would have been 4. Then if April wasn’t bad enough, we have the would-have-been due date for pregnancy #2 on April 18th. A year after Holdon was born, we had the go ahead to start trying again. We had to wait a year because my first pregnancy was dangerous and the type of c-section I had needed a year of healing before I could carry another baby. After a few months of trying we became pregnant again, and we thought all that sh*t was behind us. I thought I could begin to love April again, but then it ended in a miscarriage at 6 1/2 weeks. We have 2 nieces and a nephew all with birthdays in April. It should be a month of joy and celebration, but not for us. Not anymore.
Every year, we try do to something special on Holdon’s birthday, but this year, I’m just not feeling it. We have a tentative plan to drive up to Morro Bay, California on the 6th and stay overnight but nothing is booked yet. I’m not sure that getting away is enough for me this year. Every year is hard, but this year is feeling especially hard. There’s a heavy feeling of dread weighing down on me and it’s getting worse the closer we get to that day again. I just can’t believe he would have been 4 if he lived and we still don’t have any other children. I’m feeling myself drifting into a really low place again, but I just keep pushing it to the recesses of my mind in hopes that all the sad and angry thoughts will disappear the same way all my babies seem to disappear. It’s so hard though. How can I deal with another not-birthday? It’s just not fair what happened to our son. To me. To my husband. If I hadn’t been sick with HELLP Syndrome, he would have been born on time and would be with us now. We’ll never know why I got sick and had to deliver him so suddenly. Somehow we just have to live with it. It’s been 4 years and all we have left are our memories. And it’s those memories that I want to preserve. I have 2 scrapbooks full of pictures and all the things we saved from his stay in the NICU, but I want more. So I began a little project. I’ve been working on a little movie/slideshow in his memory. I hope to have it ready to post on his birthday. Stay tuned…
So now for the title of this post…
It’s been 17 days since I first observed the bleeding that marked the beginning of the end of my latest pregnancy. Two days after that and 4 days after AF was expected, my BBT dropped, and I knew the pregnancy was done. It only lasted long enough to give me two faint positive tests and then I got a negative test and it was over. So if I started bleeding 17 days ago, then wouldn’t the first day of bleeding be CD 1, making today CD 17? But if that’s true, then why on earth have I not ovulated yet?! I have been tracking my cycles with BBT for nearly 3 years now, and the latest I have ever observed my thermal shift was on CD 16. However, today is CD 17 and I still have low temperatures. I mean really low. My coverline is usually 97.7, with pre-o temps between 97.2 – 97.6 and post-o temps between 97.8 – 98.6+. Today’s temp reading was 97.4! I’m so confused! I’m beginning to wonder if my chemical pregnancy last month is throwing this cycle off. I usually have ovulation cramps, but so far I haven’t had anything and my temps are still really low. So I definitely haven’t ovulated yet. The only thing I can think of is that even though I started bleeding 2 days after AF was due last cycle, my temp didn’t actually drop until 4 days after AF was due, and then went back up for a day and then finally dropped way down 6 days after AF was due. So perhaps, this cycle didn’t really start until my temp dropped down completely? I was bleeding/spotting on and off for 8 days this time which is also unusual for me, but it makes sense since this was a miscarriage and not a period. My periods usually only last for 4 days. So if all these assumptions are correct, then perhaps today is only CD 12 and I’m going to ovulate in a couple days? Does anyone have any insight? I’ve never had a chemical pregnancy before. My last 3 miscarriages were all missed miscarriages and took surgery and/or medication to make them end. Once the miscarriage was over, it still took another month or so for me to get a period. Is it the same for chemical pregnancies? I guess I’m rather clueless because I thought I would have a normal cycle right away, but maybe I’m wrong, and this cycle will be delayed? That sure seems to be the case.
This post has been really heavy. Sorry about that. If you’re reading this and made it to the end, thank you, and if you have any insight to my question above, another big thank you in advance! On a more positive note… I found this on Pinterest today. Here’s to giving it another shot! Hopefully I’ll ovulate soon so I really can!
Ah, lady, I am so sorry that such a hard month is coming up…and that your ovaries are being ridiculous little bits. This is too much and I really, really am hoping that the ovulation does occur soon! I’ll be thinking of you!
Thanks hon <3 I'll be thinking about you too. Praying for better days ahead really soon for both of us!
First off, thanks for keeping up with me even though you’ve been very busy and trying to process after your CP. Your heartfelt responses always make me feel cared for, which then makes me feel better (even on my gloomiest day).
Second, I’m so sorry that April is a sad month for you. I’ll be thinking of you and Holden on April 6th and also remembering your angel on the 18th. If things were “fair” you’d have your rainbow long before now. *Hugs*
Finally, I’m not sure what is going on with your body, but I’d wager that it’s probably ‘normal’ and just your body trying to find it’s rhythm. My cycle tries to fall on certain dates, and I wonder if maybe since you manipulated your cycle for the transfer, if your body is trying to go back to it’s natural cycle dates. That’s just a guess, but has been my experience.
Much Love,
MLACS
Likewise hon! You always make me feel better on my gloomiest days too. And thank you. It makes me feel better knowing my angels are thought of and not forgotten. Yes, life is definitely not fair though I know I am very blessed in other ways. It’s not always easy to remember that but I try. And thanks too for your thoughts on my silly ovaries. That is a good point. Hopefully it will regulate soon!
Sending you a big hug back with much love too. I hope you’re doing a bit better. XO
Do sorry girl about all of your losses. I can’t imagine :/. If you have been super busy and stressed with the upcoming dates in April then it may be delaying ovulation 🙁
Thanks hon. That’s also a very good point. Stress has never delayed ovulation for me before but there’s definitely a first for everything. Hopefully it will regulate soon! Btw, I just loved your post today. It’s so true. There are so many things we all have to be thankful to God for. I need to be more mindful of that, especially when I’m having low days like today.
So I had a chemical pregnancy and I thought my body would jump right back and I’d get my period and be on with it. But I ended up getting my period around cd 80 and I don’t know if I ended up ovulating that cycle because I didn’t have that many o tests to figure that out. When I talked to my doctor she tried to put me on medicine that starts the period but I wouldn’t recommend that. Let your body heal. You had a pregnancy and now your hormones are getting back to normal. The cycle after that might be long too. So just understand that if I got my period on cycle day 80 well then I ovulated late.. That is if I even ovulated. I wouldn’t freak out.
Oh wow! Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t imagine waiting 80 days! My goodness! With all my previous miscarriages, I got my period a few weeks after the d and c. The only time I had a big delay was when I chose the medication Misoprostol and that was because it didn’t work for me and it took 6 months for the hcg hormone to completely go down to 0. This time I had a neg pregnancy test almost right away, so I would think my body would just repeat what it’s done before, but who knows. Every pregnancy is different and I’ve never had a chemical pregnancy before so my body might be handling it differently. I really hope it doesn’t drag on for months though. I can only imagine how frustrated you must have felt!
Wow that’s a long time for the hormone to go down. Mine went down right away and I tested negative. Everyone is different. My doctor wanted me to wait but I insisted that she give me something and I never took it and waited. Either way if you don’t feel right call your doctor. They may say wait it out anyway.
I had retained products of conception (horrible term they use), and I really didn’t want another d and c that time so I tried to wait it out. The plan backfired though because even after the hormone finally went down, there were still retained products so I had to have a hysteroscopy to explore my uterus and have the rest of the products removed. It was an awful procedure. Anyway, my temp went way up this morning. Whew! So if my temps remain higher tomorrow, than I think ovulation occurred at some point yesterday. So it was only a few days later than usual. I feel silly for posting about it now. It really was just so unusual for me! My body may not cooperate with me in so many ways, but one thing I have always been able to count on is really consistent cycles. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences hon and for your advice and support! It means so much! P.s. hope you’re feeling better!
I am so sorry that this month brings such painful Anniversaries and memories along with it. You are in my thoughts during these hard times and I am just hoping with all of my heart that the coming of April will not always come with such sting, that there will be a time in April that will be somehow redeeming.
Thank you so much! Wishing you all the very best on this journey too hon. Praying for better days ahead for all of us!
I am so sorry. I will be thinking and praying for you and your babies in april. Life is effing unfair, sorry for the foul language.
Thanks so much hon. It really is!
I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and your babies in April. I had a chemical pregnancy and my experience was not good. I hardly bled during the cp cycle and the next was all over the place. It took me about 45 days to get my next period and I am usually a 31 days girl. Another thing is after most chemical pregnancies they ask you to have a saline sonogram to make sure the uterus is all clean and good. Have faith hon, sometimes we just got to keep pushing no matter how hard. Your rainbow baby will be with you soon, just have faith.
Thanks hon. I’m so sorry for your losses too. I can’t imagine how frustrated you must have been waiting for your next period to finally arrive! And congratulations on your rainbow baby. Your story is such an inspiration!
As for me, my temp went up today, so as long as it remains high, I think I can confirm that ovulation was yesterday. I’m not too worried abut retained tissues because it all happened so fast. I don’t think the embryo implanted properly and there couldn’t have been much tissue to pass (hopefully). If I’m not back on track next cycle, I’ll go in and have my doctor do a scan. Thanks so much hon. I’m not losing faith. Some days are harder than others, but I’m hanging in there. Hugs.
First, I am so sorry about the stress, the brewing grief storm (I am dreading it with you) and your loss last month.
Second, I am and will be thinking of you on April 6 and 12 days later. I hope you can get away or of whatever you feel is right for you on Holdon’s fourth birthday.
Third, almost every time I have had either a chemical or natural miscarriage (as opposed to surgery for MMC) my body has delayed ovulation. And I’ve bled longer than usual (this cycle after CP I was still spotting at 7 days, same with the last one – usually it’s 4-5 days for me, too). Then again in the last year I’ve had 3 m/c and 2 c/p and only one surgery among those. So I’ve had more delayed ovulation than normal and more months with cycles I was pregnant (despite losing all of our babies) than not so I may not be a good comparison. I do know stress and emotional turmoil and illness will all push back my ovulation. I’d think those first 4 days in your case don’t count as CD1 but I appreciate that if you’re using software it may not track that way unless you tweak it. I’m sorry this is causing you frustration or worry, too. MLACS also makes s good point – my body used to like cycling with the moon. It’s been tortured by enough drugs since November that’s no longer an option. Time for a rest for my poor body!
Finally, I and I am sure others are deeply grateful for you keeping up with us and always pouring love, kindness and compassion into your comments. You are such a breath of warm, fresh and sunny air (or a warm, welcome hug when most needed). Thank you. Having said that, please know it is okay for you to take a break from us, or the comments, anytime. We know you still care when you need your energy for you.
Oh hon, my heart just aches thinking about all you have had to endure in one year and now you’re dealing with yet another loss. It’s beyond unfair. It really is time for you and your body to rest. As for me, I feel like such a dolt today. My temp spiked up to 98.0 this morning. So if my temps remain high over the next few days, then I think I ovulated yesterday. That was about 3 days later than usual, so I think you’re right and those first few days were probably my body dealing with the CP and my cycle didn’t really resume until after that. I’m so relieved. I know I need to deal with everything, and I haven’t been really doing that yet, but knowing my body is back on track helps.
Thank you so much hon. Likewise! I too am deeply grateful for all of you. All your support means so much. I can’t even fully describe it. There may be a few days in there when I have to play catch up a bit, but I hate when I have to do that. Keeping up with all of you is really important to me. I feel so invested in all your journeys and keep praying so hard for all of us. Take care of you hon. I hope your cycle also get’s back on track soon. Big hug <3
Sending hugs and prayers.
Sending you a big hug and prayers back!