Reflecting on a Strange Week

This has been an interesting week. Not really bad, but not great either. First of all, I wrote last Sunday that I thought my body was having a good laugh at my expense, and I think it decided to keep on laughing because I posted a picture from Pinterest that said, “The bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep” by E. Joseph Lossman, and then I tossed and turned all that night, and the next 2 nights too! I was exhausted and falling asleep on the couch right after dinner, but as soon as I would go to bed, nothing! I was finally able to get a good 5 hours in a row on Wednesday and Thursday night and about 7 hours total last night, but it still wasn’t great. I kept having the weirdest dreams that kept waking me up. A lot of the dreams have been about our son and babies. I think Holdon’s upcoming not-birthday next Sunday is weighing heavily on my mind. I’ve been working on a video/slideshow for him and I think it’s bringing all of it back. I don’t regret working on it though, because it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and it makes me happy that it’s almost done. I can’t wait to share it with all of you. As a little teaser, here’s a pic I took on Thursday.

I actually have several pics like this, but I couldn’t find the digital copy of the one I really wanted and needed one that was wide enough for the movie format so I took another one. It was a windy, but gorgeous day. After taking the pic, I took a long walk and reflected on everything that has happened recently. I’m not sure it fully cleared my head as I’m still not sleeping great, but the past few days have been better than the beginning of the week so that’s good.

Another thing that has been on my mind is a message I received on Facebook from my husband’s cousin a couple days ago. I wasn’t planning on talking about this on my blog because this is a public blog and I really don’t want to offend the person involved. She is both family and friend and I appreciate her thought and concern and really don’t want to make her feel bad by writing about this. That is not my intention here. I just need to talk about it. You see, this is not the first time someone has sent me a well intended message or given me advice on what we should do. One of the reasons I made this blog public is I wanted my friends and family to know what’s happening without having to explain everything over and over again. I also didn’t want to hide my pregnancies anymore and I hoped that it would help the people in my life understand what has been going on with us. And in return, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of love and support I have received. Your love and prayers mean so much! Please don’t stop. However, I’m not sure about the advice. However well intended, it always makes me feel like I’m somehow doing something wrong. I’ve snapped at people really close to me for trying to do this. I always feel so bad afterward because I know they (and others like this cousin) just want the best for us, but certain comments and suggestions make me feel worse about our situation.

Take it easy.
Don’t do this.
Maybe you should try this…

It all get’s to be too much sometimes. I swear, I’ve tried it all. The reality is, there is no easy solution for this.

This facebook conversation is another reason, I couldn’t sleep this week. So here it goes… this wonderful cousin who meant so well is pregnant, and admitted to me that it took several months for her to become pregnant and it finally happened when she stopped tracking everything and just relaxed. She advised me to not track anything and go away with my husband and just relax.

Sound familiar?

Yes, we all know stress doesn’t help fertility and for some women, that’s all it takes to make it happen. I am very happy that this strategy worked for her and I pray constantly that she continues to have a safe pregnancy, and delivers a healthy baby, but this is not a strategy that works for us. I’ve taken this advice and it didn’t make a difference. We get pregnant. We’ve been pregnant 5 times. I became pregnant on the first try when I didn’t really know what tracking was with my son, and that ended at just shy of 28 weeks when the placenta poisoned my body and made both my son and I really sick. I got HELLP Sydrome and my son was severely growth restricted. He was so small at birth that he couldn’t survive. He tried so hard and fought for  3 ½ months, but in the end it was too much for him. Then, when I was finally able to start trying again, I did track everything. I couldn’t’ help myself. I wanted a baby so bad. It took a few months, but I became pregnant again, and then again. Then, I tried not tracking anything, and saw an acupuncturist and focused on relaxation and again became pregnant, but each of those pregnancies had the same result. Miscarriage in the first trimester. Furthermore, the chromosomal analysis we did on one of those pregnancies identified a severe abnormality, and further testing on me indicated that I had poor ovarian reserve and poor egg quality. Then we tried IVF with PGD to test our embryos, and we only had one normal embryo to transfer and it wasn’t enough. It failed.

I know most of my readers know this, but I just had to reiterate it because for some reason, I keep getting the relax suggestion. Yes, relaxing is a good idea, and I’m sure it can only help my eggs, and I definitely try to. I do yoga, and acupuncture and take long walks, but it’s so much easier said then done when you’ve been through what I’ve been through. As for getting away, that’s always a good idea and I’d love to take a vacation, but with all the fertility expenses we had this past year, we just can’t afford it right now. The short getaway we’re planning for next weekend is the best we can do for now.

When I explained all this to her, she was very sincere and understanding, and I know she just really cares about us and wants our dreams of a baby to come true, but then she made another suggestion that frankly made my jaw drop. She suggested that perhaps, it’s my cats that are the problem. I was at a bit of a loss for words at that one. My goodness, if there was ANY proof out there that cats caused miscarriages, I would have found a new home for my kitties  a long time ago. They are my furbabies and I love them so much, and the very thought of giving them away makes me panic, but if there was any real threat, of course I would never take that risk. Again, I have bad eggs. Nothing is causing me to miscarry. The only concern with cats and pregnancy is Toxoplosmosis and I have always been very careful with the littler box to avoid this (my husband cleans it), but more that that, my cats are indoor only and if that wasn’t reassuring enough, I’ve been tested for Toxoplosmosis with every pregnancy as part of my prenatal work up and I have never tested positive, so clearly, I have never been exposed to it. I explained all the above to this friend and she seemed to understand and then just reiterated that she was praying for us and hoping we catch that good egg. I was and am very grateful for her and our amazing family and friends on both sides. All your love and support means so much to us. This blog post is in no way a lack of appreciation for that. I just wanted to explain it here so that anyone else having those same thoughts would understand. And please know that this goes for all couples having difficulty becoming pregnant or suffering from multiple losses. There is likely very little that they can or cannot do that they haven’t already tried.

 

 

18 thoughts on “Reflecting on a Strange Week

  1. You can’t ever know what’s going on in someone else’s head, or life! Walk a mile in another’s shoes, and you might know their journey. It’s definitely frustrating, and I completely understand where you’re coming from. The thing I get lately, when people have read my blog is “oh, you don’t act like you have self-esteem issues”. Easier said than done is the truth. No one can give advice when they can’t relate. It’s good that you grasp that it’s meant with good intention, that’s not always easy to see.

    1. It’s so true. It used to really bother me, and I even felt a little frustrated when responding to these concerns this week, but I also realized that she gave this a lot of thought and cared enough to say something about it. It really does mean a lot to me to have so many wonderful people in my life (like you!). Love you!

  2. Oh, sweetheart , I’m so sorry about the ill effects of the well-intentioned. You and I have a similar track record if not having so much trouble getting pregnant as having a viable pregnancy. Yet after 8 pregnancies, only 1 of which ended successfully, I still get the same suggestions – relax, take a break, focus on another goal and it will happen, let go and let God. These are just the ones I have heard in the past 10 days – after loss #7! It makes me not want to tell people I love or healers I’m seeing sometimes. Maybe we should make a T-shirt: “I know you care. Please, don’t give me advice. I’ve tried it all.” But that was the point of your blog being public, wasn’t it?

    Leaving that aside, I look forward to seeing the video about your son. I can only imagine how challenging it has been to make it. I’m sure he is so touched and grateful. I hope despite the challenges it is, has been and will be healing for you.

    *Warm hugs*

    1. Oh hon, I’m so sorry for all your losses too. I breaks my heart every time you tell your story. And I’m sorry for all the well intended comments you have been receiving in the past 10 days too. They really do care, but just don’t get it sometimes. I love your idea of the shirt! I would wear it all the time 🙂

      Warm hugs back!

  3. Hugs Hun. I think you handled it very well. Before this pregnancy I was also told it was probably the cats and I should get rid of them. Now I keep being asked what I’m doing with them when the baby comes! Really? They were here first and they will adjust.

    I’m looking forward to sharing your memories of your son. You are one strong cookie and I enjoy reading your posts and comments always!

    1. I know! Cats get such a bad rap. I really don’t get it! Thanks hon. I really enjoy reading your posts and comments too! I can’t wait to see the pics of your little one! I’m so excited for you! You’re so close now! Hugs!

  4. we’ve been getting a lot of the same. Although NO ONE has suggested it’s our cats- is that a “thing”? A weird common myth? lol, critical thinking people.
    I also admire your patience and how you handled it. It is true that people are well intentioned and are coming from a good place. Knowing that makes it somewhat easier eh?

    1. It’s all so true. Hopefully they’ll get it a little bit better now. I’m so sorry you’ve been getting a lot of the same too! Seriously, why can’t they just say “we’re thinking of you” and leave it at that. I just started following your blog. I completely agree, wouldn’t it be nice to live in the land of unicorns and rainbows just for a short time? Say for 9 months with a rainbow baby at the end? I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you that you get some answers and solutions from your RE very soon! xo

  5. I love that beautiful picture of your son’s name on the beach by the shore. Such a lovely way to honor your precious boy. Well intended advice is a lot like well intended sympathies during grief, as you know. They mean well, but it does little to help and often makes you feel worse. Sometimes a “thinking of you” goes a lot further. Sending you some hugs today, friend.

  6. Gorgeous picture, lady, and I cannot wait to see the video too! You handle the deluge of advice that comes with the diagnosis of IF. You are so amazing and strong! I love the cat bit…incidentally there are different antibodies that are formed with exposure to Toxo. The initial exposure causes the formation of IgA which can cross the placenta. However, later on after exposure the antibody production transitions to IgM which is an enormous antibody that cannot cross the placenta. Meaning if you had cats before you got preggers the chances of that being a problem are next to nil. Funny what people figure is a problem!

    1. Thanks hon! It really is so funny! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read her message. That’s really interesting and good to know! I’ve had kitties since I was 13 so I think I’m good 🙂

  7. I can’t wait to see what you’ve made for your little guy. I love his name in the sand too.. I’m sure he saw you writing that. 🙂 I think you handled your friend with such grace also. It’s not that people do not care, it’s that they are just uneducated and sometimes make generalizations that don’t apply to you. Keep those kitties.. they are certainly not the cause of all of this heartache. Thinking of you and saying extra prayers lately.

    1. Aw thanks hon! I really think so too.

      That’s exactly it. I know it comes from a good place,it’s just frustrating sometimes. And yes, I will definitely be keeping my kitties. I can’t imagine my life without them!

      Thank you so much for the extra prayers. I am saying so many for you too! * Hugs *

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