For Our Angel, Holdon on His 4th Birthday

View video in YouTube: In Loving Memory of Our Son Holdon – YouTube.

Four years ago today, on April 6th, 2010 at 1:38 PM, our son Holdon was born 3 months early due to a dangerous pregnancy condition called HELLP Syndrome, a variant of preeclampsia. He lived for 3 ½ months in the NICU. We named him Holdon with a second “o” so it would spell “hold on”, and he did. He held on every day of his precious life. He fought so hard, but in the end it was too much. On July 14th, 2010, we were told there was nothing more the doctors could do. His tiny underdeveloped lungs and short gut syndrome were too much for him. He could not absorb nutrients properly so his lungs couldn’t develop. He never came off the breathing tube and eventually he succumbed to infection, and as a result of sepsis his organs began to shut down. We had him baptized at the hospital on July 19th, and then at 2:26 PM on July 20th 2010, after struggling for days with the impossible decision no parent should ever have to make, our son Holdon was taken off the breathing tube and died in my arms a few minutes later.

For more about Holdon, my first pregnancy and HELLP Syndrome:

My First Pregnancy: Holdon

Holdon’s Story

Today, we remember the short time we had with our son and want to create awareness about Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome.

Thousands of women and babies die or get very sick each year from a dangerous condition called preeclampsia and related disorders such as HELLP Syndrome, a life-threatening disorder that occurs only during pregnancy and the postpartum period.

For more information, visit the Preeclampsia Foundation Website: www.preeclampsia.org

About the Video:

I created this video for my son, Holdon so he will never be forgotten. I want the world to know he lived. When I first started thinking about creating this video, I knew I wanted to use the song “To Where You Are”, so I asked my very good friend, Judith Lam-Tang, to sing it. Her beautiful and angelic voice is exactly what I envisioned when I first started thinking about creating this piece. Thank you so much Judith for helping be make the perfect birthday present for Holdon!

To learn more about Judith or listen some of her other music, visit her website at www.judithlam.com. She also has a green living blog at juicygreenmom.ca.

Created by Johanne Regunathan
in memory of our angel, Holdon.
© Copyright. Johanne Regunathan 2014 www.myhopejar.com. All rights reserved.

Special thanks to my dear friend, Judith Lam-Tang
for her beautiful version of To Where You Are.
© Copyright. Judith Lam-Tang  2014 www.judithlam.com. All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

48 thoughts on “For Our Angel, Holdon on His 4th Birthday

  1. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face and a knot in my throat after watching that video, I’m saying a special prayer for you guys today. The video was so beautifully created and your pictures we so incredibly moving. The song choice was perfect and she had such an amazing voice. Thinking of you, your husband, and Holdon today. Big, big hugs.

    1. Thank you so much hon. It’s been an emotional weekend but we’re doing okay. It means so much to have so many people thinking about us and our sweet Holdon. We know he feels all this love and is smiling down upon all of us. Big, big hugs back!

  2. Beautiful,moving tribute to the most handsome baby boy- your Holdon was absolutely precious. I was so moved by this. Thank you for sharing this and helping others by telling your story. You, your husband, and Holdon are deep in my thoughts and prayers today.

  3. I…just…
    There’s no words. I wish I could express my love and admiration for you and my sadness at the loss of Holdon…in a video as beautiful as the one you’ve shared. You’re my hero. XOXO

  4. Thank you for sharing. I’ll be celebrating the life of your little man today as he has carved out a special place in my heart. Sending you love and prayers and admiration of your strength, my friend.

        1. Thanks hon. I’m okay. It was a hard weekend, but we went up to Morro Bay, CA yesterday. It’s a very small, sleepy beach town about 31/2 hours north of us. It was very quiet and peaceful and a perfect way to reflect on everything and remember our angel. I think about you often too. I hope you are doing okay too. Sending you a big hug!

          1. That sounds wonderful. So glad you were able to get away for some reflection. I am doing ok. I just feel like the world has kept turning and I haven’t kept up. Like life for those around me is moving forward and I am idling in this weird pause. My hcg still isn’t back down so the saga continues which is hard. Xoxo.

          2. Ugh! I went through a similar experience with my second miscarriage. It’s so hard to move forward when your body is still in limbo. Praying the hcg goes down soon and you can finally start to heal and move forward again. hugs!

  5. I wanted to write you a comment, but I’m not sure I have adequate words. What a beautiful video and beautiful boy. The song was perfect and your friend has an amazing voice. Sending lots of love to you today xxx

  6. Jo, so beautiful. You poured your heart out into this memorable and touching tribute to our precious little Angel Holdon. He knows how special his Mom is and he is smiling down on you and sending you angel kisses. You are an amazing woman for sharing your story and sending out a message for preeclampsia awareness. You have a beautiful and kind heart and I’m proud and blessed to call you my daughter. Holdon lives on……….. (Thank you Judith for sharing your beautiful voice making this day special for Jo and Arun.)

  7. Such a beautiful memorial. Happy birthday to your angel.
    I hope you are ok and there was some happiness and beauty this weekend. My thoughts are with you. XO

  8. So very moving and beautiful. Your strength and grace are amazing and are a testament to what a wonderful mother you are today and will be in the future. Thinking of you.

  9. Oh, I am just so touched and moved by this beautiful video. I don’t know what to say…truly don’t know what to say. He is just gorgeous, that boy of yours. You are so strong and faithful and I know that God is going to bless you for holding on during the most difficult days of your life. I love that you named Holdon with the extra “o”. Such a special meaning…Hold On. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I will be thinking of you. Lots and lots of **HUGS**

  10. I have been meaning to write but I could not find words to do justice to this beautiful gift. So I will tell you a story.

    Our little one, who is 2, asked “What wrong mama?” while I watched this video yesterday. I was sobbing. I told your story – Holdon’s story – and heard a little voice say “Sad. Sad, mama.” I said that sad was part of it, but there was so much more. “Yes,” said the little voice, in a way that seemed to say “Of course there is.”

    1. Thank you for sharing this and for sharing Holdon’s story with your daughter. She is so wise for her age! Of course there is. So perfectly said. Big hug friend <3

  11. I strongly believe you will had more children….don’t give up!
    I understand your losses…I just lost baby no.2 both times I was in the second trimester….
    no one understands our grief and that’s the worst thing as no words can make it better….it just leaves us with a feeling of emptiness….
    I understand you….

    1. Thank you for saying that hon. I truly believe it too. I’m so very sorry to hear about your losses. It just breaks my heart. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I strongly believe you will have your rainbow baby too, though I know it’s hard to think about that right now. Sending you strength and love. **hugs**

        1. We’re trying again on our own. Since we get pregnant on our own and only did PGD to test our embryos, our doctor recommended trying on our own again. I didn’t respond well to the injectible meds and I had to take really high doses to get enough eggs. Because of this, my doctor thinks the whole process might have messed up my eggs even more. He said if we do decide we want to do PGD again, he would not recommend the same protocol. He would want us to use a low stim approach and batch eggs over several cycles in order to get enough embryos for testing. It would cost a lot to do this and we have already spent so much on it that we decided to try on our own for a few years and hope to catch a good egg. And if that doesn’t; work, then we’ll likely go on to try donor eggs. We might change our mind down the road, but this is where we are right now.

          I hope this helps! I don’t regret trying it for what it’s worth. We found out some good information. And although it didn’t work for us, it doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. keep me posted on what you decide. I’m here if you need anything!

  12. I’m glad you’re trying again and I have hope you will succeed definitely! Some people just have to go through this in a rough way but maybe the rest of your life will be perfect and there wont be any problems. Some docs told me to try naturally one more time and if I lose the baby again to try PGD but others says it’s up to us. I am thinking of PGD as I’m 31 and hoping with PGD it will be ok and then the third time would try naturally. How much can the stimulation affect me negatively?

    1. Thanks hon. A future without any problems would be amazing 🙂

      I think you’ll be fine too. I think the reason the meds messed up my eggs is because I didn’t respond well to them and we had to really push my body to retrieve enough eggs, but I’m sure you’ll respond well. Most women do. It’s not an easy process, but if it works, it will be so worth it. I will be thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers <3

    1. Thanks hon <3 Creating this video brought it all back for me too, but I also found it healing. I hope it wasn't to painful for you and that it brought you some healing too. Hugs hon!

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