Last night I got this message from WordPress:
I can’t believe it’s been an entire year since I first began this blog and all that has happened. Naturally, getting this message from WordPress caused me to reflect on things a bit…
Exactly one year ago, I had just suffered my fourth lost in three years. We were mourning the death of my infant son due to prematurity as a result of HELLP Syndrome, followed by 3 back to back miscarriages. I had hit an all time low and was tired of living in silence about it. I was about to embark on IVF and PGD to test our embryos in hopes of preventing another loss, and also just days after that first post, I had the 3 year anniversary of Holdon’s death to deal with. To say I was in a really bad place at that time, is a bit of an understatement. Little did I know that in the next year, our journey with IVF with PGD would fail and while I don’t regret doing it, it was a lot of money for nothing in the end; then we’d cautiously start trying on our own again, only to suffer another loss the very next cycle; then we’d go on to get pregnant again two cycles later and make it farther than we have since my pregnancy with Holdon in 2009-2010. It really has been such a whirlwind of a year! If you’re new to my blog and want to get caught up, see my TTC Timeline page.
Today, we’re 8 days away from the 4 year anniversary of Holdon’s death, and I’m feeling a little all over the place emotionally thinking about it and all the events described above. On the one hand, I’m pregnant again and I’m 15 weeks today! This is huge! I can’t even explain how much joy I feel every day to have made it this far, but I’m also still so scared. I’m scared of going into my appointment on Tuesday and finding out something is wrong. I’m scared of it all going fine, but getting HELLP Syndrome again and my life being at risk or having to deliver early again. What if I end up delivering early again and this baby is born, but doesn’t make it either? I won’t survive the death of another baby. These are just a few of the fears that keep creeping into my mind.
I woke up today and celebrated making it to 15 weeks, but then I sat down to write this post and found myself staring at Holdon’s curio cabinet. It has his scrapbooks of pictures and keepsakes from the NICU, angel figurines, and the presents/keepsakes we’ve bought each year on his would-have-been birthdays. It also contains his urn. Looking at his urn, I can’t believe it’s been almost 4 years since we lost him. In the days following his death, we had to deal with things no one should ever have to deal with… finding a funeral home, making arrangements for moving our son’s tiny body from the hospital to the funeral home, sitting in the funeral home looking through catalogs of tiny caskets and urns… it was all too much. We finally decided on cremation because neither my husband or I has any family in LA and we still aren’t sure we’ll stay here forever, and I couldn’t bare the thought of burying Holdon in a place where we might not still live in years to come. So, we had him cremated and we picked an urn, and to this day we still have him with us. I have no idea if we’ll ever bury or spread his ashes. Maybe he’ll be buried with me one day. Four years later, I still don’t know what I want to do. I wonder if I’ll ever know. All I know right now is I want him with me.
Every year on Holdon’s birthday, we get away and celebrate our son. The anniversary of his death; however, is different for us. We always stay close to home. We usually sleep in late, and then go out for a walk or a hike somewhere near the water since we both feel closer to him when we’re in nature and near the ocean, but we don’t stay out long. In the last three years, we have ended the day curled up on the couch, eating take out and avoiding the world. I don’t expect this year to be different. This year, we have more to look forward to and hope for than we’ve had before, but it’s still going to be a really hard day.
So how do I feel about the one year anniversary of blogging?
I’m sad because it’s so close to the anniversary of Holdon’s death. This anniversary is tied up with all of that, but I’m also grateful for all that this blog has brought me in the past year. I have found so many amazing women through this blog who have really helped me get through this. You know who you all are, and I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I care so much about each of you and feel so invested in your stories. I think through hoping and praying for each of you, I have renewed my own faith, and every time I hear a happy story, my hope grows a little more and it inspires me to never give up. There is also a lot of sadness in our small corner of the blogging world and my faith takes a hit every time I read of another failed cycle or loss. I always hope, but especially during these times, that my own story is bringing others hope and inspiration too. I know it sounds cliché , but don’t ever lose faith. The biggest thing the last year has shown me, is you just never know what will happen and what is waiting for you just around the corner.
I’m also thankful to the support of our friends and family. I think my blog has really helped them to understand what this journey has been like for us and instead of getting judgement, we’ve received only love and encouragement. Sure, we get the odd well intended, but not so helpful comment from time to time, but I got them a lot more before I started blogging then I do now, so I consider this an added bonus 🙂
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On a side note, I also want to highlight, spiritbabycomehome’s recent post. She was the third person I invited to participate in the blog hop and her post is now up! Check it out if you haven’t already 🙂
http://spiritbabycomehome.wordpress.com/2014/07/10/blog-hop-ready-or-not-here-i-come/
Happy blog anniversary and happy 15 weeks! I’m so glad to have met you through your blog and I am so happy that we are able to go through our pregnancies together. I know the next few days are going to be super difficult. Please know that I will be thinking of you. **Hugs**
Thanks hon <3 Happy 15 weeks to you too! 🙂
I'm so happy to have met you through our blogs too and love that we're sharing our pregnancies this way. I'm praying so hard every day that we are both holding our babies in 5 months!
Next weekend is going to be pretty hard, but we'll be okay. Hugs back!
With tears spilling forth, I want to both congratulate you on your blogiversary and offer my heartfelt sorrow and compassion on the coming anniversary of Holdon’s death. I am so sorry… Such a bittersweet time.
I wouldn’t expect I would know what I want if I were in your shoes with respect to Holdon’s ashes either. It is unthinkable to ever be faced with such a decision. Thankfully you do not need to make any decisions about that now. But I can see how it all weighs on you. I hope you and A. can share some special time again.
Thanks so much hon. It really is a bittersweet time. I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to approach this anniversary without so much pain. I do know that if all continues to go well with this new baby, we won’t want to be sad and depressed lumps on the day around him, so I’m thinking the way we deal with it will evolve in time and for the better I hope. Hugs hon. Thank you so much for your support.
Just wanted to e-send you a ginormous hug and tell you that I pray everyday for your and your baby’s wellbeing. Happy blogoversary and much, much love.
Aw thanks hon. Sending you a ginormous hug back <3 I pray constantly for you and your little one too. I hope all goes well at your next ultrasound this week.
I am right there with muddy feelings. I pray that you take this baby home both happy and healthy. You have been such an inspiration and a wonderful support. Will be thinking of you in the coming weeks. So many hugs.
Thanks hon <3 and likewise! Praying you take home your sweet babies, healthy and happy too. Hugs back!
Each time I read about Holdon all I want to do is hug you and cry with you. I dont know how you have the strength and courage to face life after him, I will never be able to. I am so sorry for everything and really pray hard for you, for Holdon , your angel babies and a special prayer for the litle one in you to remain healthy and make a sound and healthy arrival only when he is due.
Your support and encouragement through all of this has really helped me keep going. Thank you so much!
Sending a big hug your way! Your story really has given me so much hope and strength to keep going on our journey. This is such a moving post, and really conveys what a complex, bittersweet time this is for you. You really have been so strong and I really admire your courage. You and your growing baby are in my thoughts <3
Thanks hon <3 Constantly keeping you in my thoughts and prayers too!
This post was so sad but inspiring at the same time. I can almost feel the things you must be going through just from the way you have beautifully and honestly described them. I’m sending you all my thoughts for the anniversary but also for Tuesday (((hug))).
Thanks hon <3
Happy one year and I am so sorry again for your loss. I can’t even imagine. Sending you lots of hug and prayers sugars!! Xoxo
Thanks hon. I was really in a mood on the weekend, but doing much better today. Hugs and prayers back!
Every time I read your story, I am astonished at all you’ve been through. But moreover, I am so amazed by your warmth and positivity having been through so much. I love how you and your husband remember Holdon–I think a lot of people could not count a lost baby as part of their family the way that you do. You have changed how I view infant loss.
I’m SO glad I’ve met you and connected through the blog. I’ve felt so invested in your journey from the beginning of the blog until now, and I really believe that this baby is your rainbow! I’ve never been happier for a BFP than I was for this one. *hugs* XOXO
Aw, thanks hon <3 I'm so so glad I've met you through our blogs too, and likewise! I cannot tell you how much you have really helped too, and I am completely invested in your journey too. Praying both our little ones are our rainbow babies. Big hug too!
You have made this far! Pray to keep the good things coming to your way!
Thanks hon <3
First, I cannot even begin to imagine how hard the anniversary of Holdon’s death is. Although, the anniversary of my mom and sister deaths are in no way the same as that of your son’s, I thought I’d share that I always find the anticipation of the day worse then the actual day. It seems like once the day actually arrives, I am able to focus on keeping myself busy and I always focus on the happy memories. I wish you the strength and courage to get through this hard time.
Also, I am so happy that you are at 15 weeks and doing well!! This is the best news of my day!
Lastly, thank you for starting your blog and sharing your story. By sharing you are definitely providing hope and inspiration to others.
Thanks hon. It’s so true. Every year I dread the anniversary and let it build up in my mind, but then on the actual day, we’re actually okay. Sad, but okay.
Likewise hon. I’m so glad you are sharing your story too. I’m so happy to have gotten to know you! If only it wasn’t for this reason!
So thrilled for your anniversary (though bittersweet) and know you have touched so many with your words and heart.
Blessings to your family here and beyond,
Dani
Thank you Dani. So many blessings and prayers back to you! <3
One year of blogging, 15 weeks, and 4 years since losing Holdon. You have a lot going on right now, and I’m sending a big hug. I’m so glad you are blogging and hope it has been helpful to you – I know reading your posts are helpful to me and obviously to many other women, so thank you.
The ashes… it is so hard to know what to do, but it sounds like, for now, you want him with you and that is what is best! We haven’t done anything with L’s and I’m much more okay with that than I thought I would be.
Hope week 15 is treating you well. Sending a hug.
Thanks hon. Likewise! Thank you to you too for blogging! Big hug back. Saying prayers for our angels in Heaven and also for our new babies. May these be the babies we take home. Hugs <3
You possess more strength than I can even comprehend. You, Holden, your husband, your angel babies, and the baby growing in you are in my thoughts and prayers.