It’s been so long since I posted an update, I really don’t even know where to begin. First of all, everything is good. Archer is doing well and growing like a weed. He’s exceeding milestones and seems to be growing and changing every single day. At his 2-month check up, he was in the 99th percentile for height and 53rd for weight. He’s made up for his slow start to gaining weight and then some! We have his next well baby appointment on Monday, which I’m really looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I can’t wait to see how much he’s grown, but I’m dreading his next round of vaccinations. His 2-month vaccinations were brutal. He cried so much after he got them and had a fever for 3 days. I really hope it won’t be as bad this time around.
Now, to why I haven’t written in so long… breastfeeding.
This has not gone as I had envisioned. Archer still likes to camp out on the breast for well over an hour and I still can’t seem to produce enough milk for him. In order to have some sanity and time to get a few things done in my day other than feed him, I only breastfeed him in the morning and before bed, and then I pump and feed him pumped milk and formula from a bottle the rest of the day. Fortunately, he’s a great eater on the bottle, and obviously this hasn’t affected his growth, so I know I’m doing the right thing, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I hadn’t shed a few tears over this. After everything we went through just to have him, why couldn’t this have been a little easier? All the pumping really sucks. He’s been sleeping through the night for about a month now, but I still have to get up in the middle of the night to pump and then every 2-3 hours during the day, and I’m still not able to make enough to meet his needs! I make about 20 oz of milk per day and he takes about 32-35 oz per day. So he’s still getting about ⅓ formula, but it’s better than the other way around. A couple months ago, he was getting ⅔ formula and only ⅓ breast milk so I’ll take what I can get at this point. And at least with keeping my meager milk supply in, we can still have that special time together on the breast every morning and before bed. It’s not the most ideal situation and not how I had hoped this would go, but I’m doing much better with it now that I have accepted the situation for what it is. Now if I could just stop those nighttime pumps and go a little longer during the day it would be great. So far I seem to make a little less milk when I do go longer stretches, but I think my body is starting to figure it out and I find if I pump a little longer each time to 30-35 mins instead of 20 mins, I can go longer stretches in-between.
That’s the first and main reason why I haven’t written in so long. The other reason is that I am still taking on client work and have been pretty much since we got home from the hospital. It was easier when we had family visiting because someone was always able to hold Archer while I worked, but now that everyone is gone, I have to work between pumping and when Archer is napping or in the evenings after he goes to bed. I’m just too tired to write after taking care of him and working all day. Archer is my priority and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but it really bothers me that I haven’t kept up with this blog. I created this blog to stay connected to the IF and RPL community and I feel so out of touch with all of you lately! Also, I have so much I want to write about! I haven’t even posted Archer’s birth story yet. I really must before I forget all the details! After all, this blog is as much for him as it is for myself and my readers.
I also can’t believe Holdon’s birthday has come and gone and I didn’t post about it on the day! I actually tried to write on his birthday, but my thoughts were all jumbled and I couldn’t seem to make sense of what I was feeling let alone write about it.
On April 6th, he would have been 5. With Archer here, the day was somewhat easier than Holdon’s past birthdays, but also harder in many ways. As we do every year, we got away for the weekend. This year, we took a drive up the coast and stayed in Pismo Beach. It was wonderful to get away and take Archer on his first road trip, but I woke up on Monday feeling really sad. No matter how full my heart is with love for Archer, there will always be an empty space that longs for Holdon. He should be here to play with his little brother. It hurts so much knowing that will never happen. Instead, Archer will likely grow up an only child, knowing he has an older brother, but he will never really know him. It breaks my heart. Arun and I briefly discussed whether we’d try for any more children after my 6-week postpartum appointment because I opted to not go back on the pill at this time. I really don’t want to subject my body to any more hormones after everything I’ve been through in the past few years, but Arun really doesn’t want to try for more children. He admitted that it was really hard to keep trying after all our losses and the only reason he did was for me. Of course we’re so incredibly happy we did keep trying now that we have Archer, but all the losses almost killed us. Yes, if we try again we could get lucky again, but it’s far more likely we’ll just keep having more miscarriages and neither one of us can handle it. So for now, I’m not on the pill, but we’re not trying either. We’ll see how we feel in a few months, but for now, this is how it is and this hurts. I can’t help feeling sad about all our losses, especially Holdon. We already gave birth to another child and he should be here.
On a happier note, I thank God every day for Archer. We are truly blessed. He will be 4 months old on Thursday! It’s so hard to believe! For those of you not following me on Facebook, here are some pics of our little miracle over the past few months…
Over the next week or so, I plan to update my About page and TTC page, and will be adding a tab for Archer with his birth story and milestones for anyone who is still reading this blog and interested in reading. I am sending out a huge hug to everyone. Some of my fellow bloggers who I began following when I first started this blog have recently had their own little miracles and I just want you all to know how happy I am for you. And for those still in the trenches of IF, RPL and adoption hell, I just want you all to know how often I think of you and pray for your own miracles.
<3
So glad to hear you’re doing well. I missed you
Missed you too hon! I’m playing catch up and see you’re in your tww. Sending you all the positive thoughts I have!
Glad to hear that you and Archer are doing well! You both look great in the photos! I also love that you managed to take your normal weekend away to celebrate and remember Holdon.
Thanks hon. I’m so glad we did too. Been thinking about you. I hope things are going better with the adoption process. I just read your most recent post and my heart aches for you. I know how you feel to be at a crossroads and not know what direction to go in next. I pray the answer reveals itself to you soon. Sending you strength to get through this uncertain time. I still feel in my heart that your baby is coming soon.
Thank you so much my friend.
I was wondering if you were giving up the blog! So good to hear from you! Breastfeeding is hard–I love it–but my nipples hurt and I’m constantly wondering if I’m doing it right (even though I see a lactation consultant weekly). My girl is on the boob as I type this from my phone, because when else is there time to write?! So happy for you! Also, thinking of Holdon and wishing him Happy Birthday <3 Working on writing my birth story now! XOXO
Aw, thanks hon! I would never give up on my blog though I have to admit, keeping up with it has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. There are so many days, that I’ll sit down to start a post and then Archer will need me and it just doesn’t happen, and I hate posting updates from my phone! I am so happy for you hon. Enjoy every moment with your precious girl. I can’t wait for your next update! <3
I’m so glad I’m able to see your updates on Facebook and we’ve been able to keep in touch! I’m proud of you for sticking with breastfeeding despite the difficulties. Any amount you can provide Archer is beneficial!
Wow, I’m amazed he takes 32-35oz a day! Mackenzie is stuck at 18-20oz. We go in Friday for her 4 month appointment and shots. I hate vaccinations but I know I’d rather have her protected! We’ll be lucky if she’s at 11 1/2 pounds.
I’m so glad we’ve been able to keep in touch too! Especially since I’m so bad at updating my blog these days! You are amazing for keeping up with yours the way you have been!
I’m sure Mackenzie is doing just fine. Every baby is different and the way she’s sleeping at night and reaching milestones, I’m sure she’s getting exactly the amount she needs. Can’t wait for your update. I really hate the shots too, but I’d rather he is protected as well. Will be thinking about you on Friday. Hope you’re surviving being back at work.
Month 4 doesnt hurt. If
I rememebr correctly, only
1 needle hurts and its not bad. The 1st vaccination is the toughest.
Reg, baby 2, I know how you feel. I wish it was easy for any of us, but you still have time to think of baby 2. I follow another blogger who had her babies 15 months apart and she also went through infertility hell. So fingers crossed, and hoping for another miracle
And mama, breast feeding is hard. U r doing the best for Archer and he is thriving. Thats all matters in the end, so dont feel too sad over it. I see he is rolling all over, fun times. He is going to put cat fur in his mouth and take a dive at the litter box. Enjoy!! 🙂
Thanks so much hon. My fingers are crossed for you too! Thanks for checking in on me on Monday. It really meant a lot to me. <3
Yikes! Thankfully the litter box is pretty inaccessible to him, but I'm sure you're right about the cat fur. Haha
I cannot relate to your struggle to have a child but I can relate to the struggle with breastfeeding. I breastfed my first daughter and couldn’t manage to breastfeed the second. I was in tears so much of the time trying to care for one young child and not able to take care of the second as I wanted to. I called the nurse in tears and she told me that bottle feeding was not the end of the world and that my child needed a calm mother as much as she needed breastfeeding. I finally gave up on breastfeeding and mother and baby did better. She’s a full grown and very healthy adult now and I am glad I was able to relax and enjoy things even if they didn’t go the way I planned. You and Archer will be just fine!
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I think we all have so much hope for breastfeeding, but from what I am now realizing, so many of us have trouble with it. Those who don’t are really lucky, but you’re right, he will be just fine no matter what, and I’m just happy I can give him some breast milk. Thanks! <3
It is so great to hear from you and to know how well Archer is doing. I’m sorry the breastfeeding has not worked out the way you would have liked. I applaud you for making peace with it as it is. I am sure there were many heart-aching moments along the way. I have been thinking of you with the coming and going of Holdon’s birthday and hoping you and Arun were managing. I really hear your sadness over Holdon not being here with you and his Little brother. My Mr. didn’t want to try for a second after our son was born either. It took almost a year for him to change his mind and to be frank a large part of him did not want to try anymore when we found out my immune issues last summer but he also didn’t feel right about giving up when we had two embryos left. Now here we are and he says regularly enough that I’ve had to ask him to stop that if he’d known how hard this pregnancy would be on me he would not have agreed to it. I find that super hurtful for a bunch of reasons but my real point in sharing this is that I think I’m some ways it is harder for the partners who not only suffer each loss along with us but who watch us suffering and our health jeopardized or at risk. For many RPL and infant loss couples I’ve known it is the non-pregnancy partner who is the first today “I don’t want to do this anymore/again”. I’m not judging that, simply making the observation and noting my sadness over how that’s played out in my own case. This journey is so very complicated and we need to be at peace ourselves and need our partners to be there too before “trying” or “trying again” makes sense. At least that’s my current thought on this. I hope that whatever you and Arun decide you continue to grow and nurture your relationship and connection. Much love to you and your beautiful family my friend.
Thank you so much hon for sharing your story. I never realized just how hard this entire journey has been on Arun until now. It’s true. They feel their own pain and also have us to worry about too. I’ll never forget how scared he was when Holdon was born and I was so sick. It wasn’t just the trying again and the losses, but I know he lived in real fear that I might get that sick again and he might lose me. I was only afraid for the possibility of losing another baby, I never really feared for myself, but I know he did. It’s so hard. On the one hand, I feel so blessed right now and really couldn’t ask for more, but I would love for Archer to have a living sibling. I think for now, we’re putting making any real decisions on hold and will see how we feel later on. I think focusing on Archer right now and nurturing our relationship and our family is the best advice ever 🙂
Sending you much love too. And also sending you and your little one so many prayers for the rest of your pregnancy to go smoothly! I just saw your update. I hope your nausea goes away soon. I don’t know if you recall, but I had really bad nausea around the 30 week mark. It lasted for about a week and then went away. I think around the end of the second tri – early third, there’s a surge in hormones and the nausea can come back. I really hope it doesn’t last long for you! Huge huh hon <3
So glad to read this post and that Archer is healthy and well! I’m sorry the breastfeeding situation isn’t what you wanted it to be, but it seems like you’re handling it well and with grace now. And being kind to yourself which is so important.
All of the photos are so wonderful, and I love love love the picture with the big bear, definitely put a smile on my face this morning 🙂
So happy to hear from you on the blog. So glad everything is going well. Sending love as always. Glad I follow you on FB otherwise I would totally miss you 🙂
Sending you love back! Sorry I’ve been so out of touch! I’m making a pact with myself to start updating more frequently again 🙂
It’s so great to hear from you. I kind of thought you’d be so busy so didn’t worry when you didn’t post! First of all, Archer is such a little cutie-pie and well done with the breast feeding. I know how hard double feeding is as I never produced enough milk due to my PCOS so would be pumping for over an hour while Hubby fed Little Man with a bottle. I cried everyday until I stopped at 6 weeks and he went straight on to formula – I’m obviously not suggesting you do this as you are having breastfeeding times (I only ever produced small amounts). So, enjoy the time you do have with him. In a way Archer being used to the bottle is a good thing for you because I know a lot of my girlfriends really struggled with that as the bub got older – especially with Booby Boys! Secondly, I think you’re doing incredibly well to not break down about Holdon every day. I think having a new baby is wonderful but it doesn’t diminish the grief and hurt either. It’s understandable you would be having mixed emotions because you never really got this experience with Holdon. It can be so confusing as I constantly feel guilty about being down about my losses as I have Little Man so I really need to take my own advice! And lastly, Hubby felt/feels exactly the same as Arun about trying again. It can be hard to hear but I get it. I think if I pushed he would try again but I don’t honestly know if I could take another loss either. This adds just another level of grief and a jumble of emotions plus you’re working so you’re like superwoman right now!!! Anyway, I’ve gone on for far too long! I don’t expect you to reply as I know how busy you are but I’ve been thinking of you often and please get in touch if you need an ear x
I’m so sorry it has taken me all week to approve and reply to this post! Archer had his vaccinations on Monday and it has been a tough few days.
I am so touched by your words hon. It’s so true that having Archer doesn’t diminish the pain of losing Holdon or my other babies. I’ve read many stories of women saying they felt better after they finally had a living baby, but for me that’s not really true. Yes, I am so happy and feel so blessed to have Archer, and my days are so full with him that I don’t have a lot of time to feel sad these days, but those old wounds haven’t gone away and I’m not sure they really ever will.
Thank you so much my friend. Sending you a huge virtual hug. I guess it’s hard to know what the future will hold for either of us and weather we’ll have any more children, but not all hope is lost. After all, at one point we didn’t know that we’d have our little miracles and here they are so you just never know. 🙂
Archer is a sweetheart!!
I can’t imagine how you’re managing w your feeding woes and working?!?!
What do you do for work?
I hate pumping. If I can Id like to make it to six months but we will see. It takes a lot out on me. And it’s not an enjoyable task. Like you I wanted and thought BF would be so natural 🙁
It’s so hard when it comes so easily for others. What we’ve had to go through just to have our little miracles is hard enough, why couldn’t the universe have cut us a break with this? We had our 4 month appointment on Wednesday and given Archer’s weight and the fact that he’s eating so much per day, and also sitting up well on his own already, our doctor thinks he might be ready to start solids now. I I think we’re going to start with cereal next week. I’m hoping with the introduction of solids, I’ll finally be able to keep up with his breast milk needs, but we’ll see.
I’m a graphic/web designer and have a small home-based business. It’s great because I can work from home and be with him every day, but it has been interesting trying to manage the workload right now. I wish I could have taken the first few months off, but I don’t want to lose the clients I’ve worked so hard to get.
Take care hon. Sending you positive bf vibes! <3
It’s really hard. And the guilt can eat me alive some days.
Owen is doing very well. He eats a lot too. Like every 2 hrs during the day time. Some times he can go 2.5 hrs. He’s a hungry boy.
I agree. You’d think smth could be easy EH?!
I put my boob in his mouth after he ate the bottle and he was funny about it lol. Like “hah mom. Funny”…
Four months already – wow! Can completely relate to the time spent breastfeeding. It took us forever as well and then I had no energy left. Glad to hear the update and look forward to hearing more 🙂
PS – he’s adorable and looks so grown up already !
Aw, thanks hon! <3 Isn't it crazy how time flies! It hard to believe your little one is already over a year!
i have been thinking of you. Good to read your updates!
Thanks hon! So sorry I’ve been so out of touch. Been thinking about you too. Hope you are well!
Wonderful to see an update from you and so so happy for you and Archer. What a cutie! Sending a big hug your way.
Thrilled to hear you’re doing well, sweetie. Blessings to all.
Miss you,
Dani
you may be long overdue for an update….but girlie, I am long overdue to reading this and commenting! YIKES! I am so sorry! But I want you to know that I think of you often and I’m so glad to read an update. I did your card in the mail and he is just such a cutie patootie! I am sure you are so proud!
Love you lots! xo
I saw a link to your blog on one of the message boards, so I clicked on it and read all of your posts. My heart was hurting for you as I read about your losses. I wanted to let you know that your story gives me hope. I constantly pray for God to show me the path he wants me to take and to help me accept it. I believe he lead me to your blog to show me there is always reason to have a “hope jar.” I’m sitting here today waiting to hear if my two little embryos make it to day 5 tomorrow. This was our second cycle; we have four frozen from the first cycle. Hopefully all 6 of them will be PGD tested next week. If this doesn’t work out, I think we’ll also go back to trying naturally, because, like you, we don’t have trouble getting pregnant. We just have trouble with the pregnancy progressing. After two miscarriages, we went straight for IVF w/ PGD. I guess I thought it was a “sure thing” until I realized it’s definitely not! All we can do is hope and pray.
Again, thanks for sharing your story. Prayers for your and your family! Archer is adorable! 🙂
After almost two years, I’m just finding this comment in my pending messages! I feel absolutely terrible for not replying to you sooner! In truth I haven’t been very good at keeping up with this blog, but even with the updates I have made in the past two years, I somehow missed this comment! Thank you so much for you kind words and for sharing your story. I pray and hope you went on to have your rainbow baby after leaving this message. If you see this reply, please come back and update me on how you are doing! xo