I'm Still Here

To say this is post is overdue is a gross understatement. Archer is nearly a year old and since his birth I’ve written four updates. Four. It’s absolutely shameful!

So why the long absence?

Honestly, it’s rather complicated. I actually have many drafts saved, but somehow I never published any of them.

One reason for my long absence is work. Working from home seems like such a great idea when you want to be at home with your baby and still try to bring in an income, but what I didn’t realize before little man was born, is it’s really hard to manage a client workload and take care of your baby at the same time. When I have a tight deadline, I have to squeeze in work when Archer is napping or after he goes to bed. My days are long, sometimes going from 6 am when Archer wakes up, until midnight or later and this doesn’t include when Archer wakes in the middle of the night. Arun is a very helpful hubby and daddy but he doesn’t have the best schedule so some days go better than others. Thankfully, little man sleeps well. He naps and sleeps through the night for the most part so that is a huge blessing but there still doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day. When I do have a lull in client work, I’m usually catching up on housework and laundry or simply relaxing a bit and spending time with my hubby. Don’t get me wrong, I still prefer working from home than having to put Archer in daycare! It’s definitely amazing to work from home, and be with him all the time. It allows me to do things with him during the day that we would miss out on if I had a full time out of home job, like Gymboree, he loves it and I believe has really helped his development and socialization. So without a doubt, I am truly blessed to be able to be at home with him and as hard as it is to juggle working from home some days, I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

This is the practical reason for not updating. The not so practical reason, and if I’m being honest with myself, the real reason I haven’t updated in so long is I simply do not know where my blog fits anymore. I still identify with the recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility community, but do you still identify with me? I know too well how hard it is to see the baby updates from the moms who have made it out of the trenches and are now growing their miracles or enjoying their take home babies, when you’re still fighting so hard every single day to become and stay pregnant. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt any of you with stories and pictures of our little guy. To me, he is our little miracle and I want to broadcast it to the world, but I know how hard these broadcasts can be to those who want and deserve this same miracle. I’m already pretty guilty of sharing pictures and announcements on Facebook more than I probably should and who knows who I’ve unwittingly hurt with those announcements, but I also live in the US and have a lot of family and friends in Canada, so Facebook and Instagram are my easiest ways of keeping all of them updated. However, I’m not sure I should be making those same announcements here anymore. In my absence, some of you have gone on to have your own miracles, but some of you are still fighting this horrible battle and I don’t want to hurt any of you.

Although I haven’t written, I have still been reading as often as I can and I think about you all constantly. I don’t comment as much as I used to because I’m usually reading posts from my phone as I wind down in bed and I’m usually too tired to write what I want to say, so I’ve turned into a bit of a creeper. 🙂 But please know that even though I’m not commenting, you are all in my thoughts.

So where does this blog fit now?

Do I close it and start a mommy blog? Maybe, but I don’t know. That was never my intent when I began blogging. I do read mom blogs now and have friends with them and I am certainly not judging them and who knows, I might start one of my own eventually, but this blog was something I did to share my heart and pain about my losses and struggles to have a baby, and to connect with others going through the same thing. And through my blog, I found all of you, my fellow recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility bloggers. I genuinely rejoice when one of you gets that positive pregnancy test or has good news at an ultrasound appointment. And I still grieve deeply every time one of you has a negative test, a failed or cancelled cycle or you hear those dreaded words at a prenatal appointment… miscarriage… no heartbeat… I’m so sorry…

So no, I don’t want to close myhopejar.com. I still care what happens to all of you and I still have hope for myhopejar.com too.

I hope my blog – my story, will give others hope to keep going when they really feel like stopping. I know the happy stories I read before my own miracle, kept me going especially on those really hard days. And if we had stopped, our miracle boy would not be here today. Trying one more time, sometimes really is THE time. It’s such a cliché, but it’s also true.

This is not to say that I think everyone should keep going no matter what. I know for some, the only answer is to stop. Not give up, but move forward and take back the life that this horrible journey has taken from you. And even though we got through it with a take home baby at the end of it all, the hell we went through to get here is what is preventing us from trying again. I would love so much to have a living sibling for Archer, but the fear of having more miscarriages is stopping us right now. I find myself wavering on this, and Arun has said he will try again if I want to but I’m struggling with the decision. While Arun is so thankful we continued to try, I know now that it took its toll on him. It’s easy to get lost in our own grief when we go through loss, especially when it’s happening to our bodies and we’re the ones who carried and miscarried our babies, but infant loss and miscarriage is very hard on our spouses too. I always knew it was hard on him, but I didn’t fully understand just how hard. He was always so strong for me. So here we are. I often think I’m strong enough to go through it again if it means another baby eventually, but can I do that to Arun again? I just don’t know. I also know how hard it has been for those of you who have or are still trying for a second baby. Many of you have had to endure so much more loss and while some of you are now happily pregnant with healthy pregnancies again or have gone to have your second miracles, at what cost was it to you and your spouse? I know I don’t even have to ask if it was worth it so it really is a struggle right now to know what to do. It happened once. It could happen again. But then again Archer is our only surviving child out of six pregnancies. It’s far more likely we’ll just keep having more losses. We have our miracle boy and he’s perfect. I am completely in awe of him every day. We truly could not ask for anything more and we are eternally grateful. I guess we’ll see what happens in the future. I’ll be 39 in January and I’ve told myself that no matter what I won’t continue to try after 40 or rather by my 41st birthday. With my history of low ovarian reserve, our odds of having a healthy pregnancy are already so low and will be even worse after 40. So the end of my 40th year will be the end of the road for us. I think we will probably try one more time between now and then and if it results in another miscarriage that will definitely be it, but it also helps to have an age limit so that we know, one way or another, when the end truly is. So for now, the possibility, however small, is still there and we’ll see what the next two years bring. I think we’ll revisit the conversation in a few months and see how we feel.

Below is an update about little man and a recent pic. If you want to see more pictures or full updates, feel free to add me on Instagram or Facebook. Just send me a note here so I know who you are. I have a few pending requests that I have not approved because I’m not sure who they are, and I sincerely apologize if they’re from any of you! For those of you who are struggling right now, please feel free to sign off here and just know a day doesn’t go by that I don’t pray for each and every one of your own miracles.

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Update About Our Miracle Boy...

  • Archer is almost 11 months! He’s standing and cruising and climbing on everything. We’re pretty sure he’ll be taking his first unassisted steps before his 1st birthday though we said that about crawling at 6 months and it took him another month to go from scooting to actual crawling so we’ll see.
  • He’s also really chatty, and has definitely said two words: “mum” and “this”. He was saying “mum” for about two months before I acknowledged it as his actual first word. And only fully acknowledged it two weeks ago when he reached out for me and said. “mum, mum, mum!” Then just two days ago, he was repeating the same word a lot and we just realized last night that he’s saying “this”. Arun thinks he’s saying “this is” and while it sounds like that, I don’t think he’s putting two words together yet. I guess we’ll know for sure as time goes on. We’re on full alert now because we think he’s actually saying other words too and we just haven’t figured out what they are yet . 🙂
  • He’s also at the top of the growth charts. At his 9-month Wellbaby appointment, he was 24 lbs 4 oz and 31.1 inches long., and on our scale at home he’s now over 26 lbs. He’s wearing 18mth clothes and even some 24 mths/2T!
  • He has 8 teeth already and had his first dentist appointment a few weeks back. I took him to my dentist and he was amazing with him and didn’t charge us anything since it was such a quick visit. He just took a quick look and said everything looks great and gave me advice on how to take care of his teeth. He recommended brushing his teeth after his evening and morning bottles to prevent infant tooth decay. It was challenging at first but it’s pretty easy now. I give him a baby tooth brush to play and practice brushing himself while I use a silicone baby brush on his teeth and gums with fluoride free toothpaste that’s safe to swallow. I also sing the “Brush Your Teeth” song which I think helps keep him calm and patient while I finish. We’re also going to wean him off the bottle after his first birthday to help keep his teeth healthy. He’s already taking a sippy cup really well and even manages a real cup with help, so I don’t think it will be too hard. Fingers crossed! If I was still breastfeeding it would be another issue, but I’m more than happy to stop giving formula soon.
  • As for breastfeeding, I stopped at 9 months. It just got to be too hard. I struggled to make enough milk for him from the start and I was always pumping. It was exhausting and had begun to be a source of depression for me. Archer was a really good eater on the breast. After he got over his first month of falling asleep on the boob all the time, he became really efficient at it and he always had a good latch, I just couldn’t make enough to meet his needs. At my best, I was making about 20 oz per day, and at that time, he was taking nearly double that per day and even after he started solids, that was the ratio. It probably didn’t help that I slowly cut out some of my pumps but it couldn’t be helped. I was so tired of all the pumping. So one evening just before his 9-month birthday, he was really fussing to get enough milk and bit me really hard, and that was it. At that point, I had fully stopped pumping and was only breastfeeding twice a day so my milk supply was really low. And it was like my body knew it was time because just after the biting incident, I went to the bathroom and discovered I had started my period for the first time since becoming pregnant with him. I sat there and stared at the red stain on the toilet paper and bawled my eyes out. I was an emotional mess, but I knew it was time to stop. So the next morning I nursed him again and it was my last time. And as sad as I was that night, it wasn’t a big loss for him. He drinks well from the bottle, and though I hate formula because it made me feel inadequate, it’s been great for him. His growth is off the charts, and it’s almost irrelevant now because while he’s still taking a bottle, he’s eating three solid meals plus snacks now and as I said above, we’ll be weaning him off the bottle soon anyway. The financial relief of not having to pay $45 for a case of formula every week will definitely be nice. We could have switched to a cheaper kind but we started off with premixed Similac Advanced when he was just a few days old and he did so well with it, we didn’t want to switch.
  • As for food, he loves it! Since he has so many teeth already, it’s been all about the finger foods for months now and he eats everything, especially fruits and berries! He can’t get enough of them. I’m also happy and relieved to report that he doesn’t seem to have any food allergies. We’ve given and continue to give eggs, peanuts/nuts, fish/shellfish, strawberries etc., on a regular basis and he’s fine with all of them.
  • Sleep. Archer is an amazing sleeper for the most part. We have a consistent bedtime routine and he goes down every night by 7:30 and usually sleeps straight through until 6:30 and even as late as 7:30 some days. Lately it’s been 6:00 as he’s still not completely adjusted to daylight savings, but I still think that’s pretty awesome. He occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night still but we have pretty much weaned him off of night feeding so it’s usually only if he has a bad dream and needs a little comfort or has a dirty diaper that can’t wait till morning. He also naps pretty well. He used to take two naps every day with 45 mins – an hour in the morning and 2 – 2 ½ hours in the afternoon but he recently dropped the morning nap and only does the one longer nap in the afternoon now. Occasionally he’ll need a nap in the morning but it’s only on the days when he wakes up earlier than usual.

Archer10mths

That’s about it for now.

I have a separate post I already drafted about fear that I’ll post in a couple days once I have a chance to go over it and proof read. Basically it’s about how Archer had to have a minor surgical procedure at 8 months (full details are in the post so I won’t get into it here), and I thought I was going to die of fright waiting for him to come out of anesthesia. It was a simple outpatient surgery and everyone told us there was very little risk, but I couldn’t control how scared I was. I realized that no matter how far we come on this journey, the fear never goes away. This is one of many posts I have drafted that I hope to post soon. I’m going to do better at keeping this blog current from now on. I also still have to write Archer’s birth story and update my About page. Stay tuned. I promise to post those soon, and definitely before his first birthday!

Sending so much love and constant prayers to each and every one of you in this amazing community of amazing women (and men). <3

32 thoughts on “I'm Still Here

  1. First, I’m so glad to see and read about how well archer is doing! Second, first and foremost I believe your blog is your space. While it’s gracious of you to care about how others may read about your life now, I think you are entitled to wrote whatever you want. The reality is, for all of us waiting/trying/hoping, we all have the same goal of having a healthy baby, but we all have different journey to get there (or not). And because you have achieved that dream doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share and enjoy the good and the bad. On a bad day, someone like me may choose not to read, but that’s my choice and I don’t believe you have to protect me. Anyways, that’s just my two cents and I 100% support whatever you decide.

    1. Thanks hon. I know you’re right and that’s exactly that I thought before I had him too. It’s just been worrying me that I might really hurt someone with one of my posts. I don’t know why. I think a lot of it is ptsd and survivors guilt I guess. It’s still so hard to believe this is where now and I’m afraid to even talk about it sometimes, but you’re right. My blog is my space and it’s okay to continue to share my story 🙂 thanks hon! I think about you often and I am constantly praying for your baby to come home to you very soon! I know he or she is on the way.

  2. It is so great to “hear” from you. Archer looks and sounds spectacular. I can completely relate to your fear. I could never tell someone what I went through to have our 2 boys was not worth it. It obviously was and that goes without saying or should. But would I go through all of the losses, the devastation to my health, the crazy stress of insane travel for medical care during a high-risk pregnancy, the several trips to L&D with issues during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters, the emergency cesarean, the remarkable personal financial debt I’m shouldering alone from it all again? No. I couldn’t survive it. And my marriage wouldn’t either I don’t think. So I think the fear and having a line in the sand or two may be a necessity to even consider trying again should you and Arun do that. Whatever you do will be the right thing for you and your family. Much love to all of young dear friend

    1. Thanks hon. I think about you so often, especially lately now that we’ve begun to think about trying again. I remember your strength and dedication through it all and it inspires me, but because I know what you went through, I also makes me pause. I know I’ll always wonder if we don’t give it one last try but I’m so scared to at the same time. Ah! We’ll see what happens in the coming months.

      I hope you’re doing well. Sending you and your family much love. ❤️

  3. Thank you for this post! I am in the same boat…I have only written 2 posts since Peyton was born and she’s now 6 months and like you I am not sure where my blog fits in or what to write. I have started different drafts but never finished because I didn’t know how. I think you did a great job of weaving in the two worlds which I feel I now live in…motherhood and still that part of me that is the inferile who struggled with so many losses to get here. And I feel like I have to honor both those worlds but haven’t quite figured out how to do that in writing. But I think you did a great job of combining those 3 worlds! And I am so happy to read Archer is doing well. He is a cutie!

          1. I’m so sorry! Just seeing this now. I’ve been so busy and horrible at checking my notifications. Yes, of course! I read your post. I completely relate to everything! So good to hear from you and so glad you and your girl is doing well!

    1. First of all, congratulations! Peyton is beautiful. I’m so so happy for you hon. Secondly, I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one to struggle with this, but I hope you’ll continue to update too and I can’t wait to read your next update! Hugs ❤️

    2. I’m so sorry I never replied to this post! I hope you are all doing well! Yes, it has been such a challenge to keep up with this blog. I finally posted some updates after moving my blog over to a self hosted site and realized that all my WordPress.com subscribors don’t seem my posts anymore. I think it was a little discouraging to realize this and so It’s been several months since I updated again. I’m about to post an update now. Hopefully you see it! Although I’m not writing I am still reading everyone’s blogs, but I haven’t seen an update for you in a while in my reader, hopefully all is well with you and you’re just blogging challenged like me these days. 🙂

  4. So happy to see posts from you! I’ve missed you and seeing little Archer! I’m glad you are doing well. Keep blogging!’ I’d love to see updates . And don’t feel like you’re hurting anyone. If anyone should read your blog they would see that yours is a success story. And also even though you’ve succeeded in having little Archer there is still a fear of having more kids and a sadness for your losses and I think women need to know what it’s like after having a rainbow baby. That you still mourn. That you still have fear. Take care! ❤️

    1. Thanks hon. I think about you often and I was so happy that you were able to get in for your tests. I was so devastated for you when it looked like you were going to have to postpone it. I know too well how delays like that can be when you just need to move forward. So glad you’re moving forward. Sending you lots of love. Take care too! ❤️

  5. I’ve struggled with blogging because I’m having so much anxiety and I don’t feel like it’s fair to share that. I know I’ll be a lot like you. I still read and care about so many of the bloggers too. But know, this is your space. People will unfollow if it’s too painful and I know you’ll be okay with that. Personally, I have always loved seeing updates from you (even before I was pregnant.) I hope you continue blogging and I think it’s okay to do it here. Sending lots of love!

    1. Aw thanks hon. I know exactly how you feel. You’re absolutely right though. It is my space and I really don’t want to stop blogging. I look forward to all your posts. Sending lots of love back. I think about you guys so often. I’ll be sending prayers and thought to you tomorrow.

  6. I just wanted to say, I hope you still continue your blog. I am actually a fairly new reader- but I love the hope and journey you have shared. Thank you for all you do!

  7. I’m so glad to see a post from you and happy that things seem well. Your blog was one of the first RPL/IF blogs I started reading, and I’m so glad I came across it and love “hearing” from you, no matter how often you decide to post in the future.

    1. Thanks hon! You have no idea how much that means to me. I know the past couple of years have not been easy and I would never want to hurt you with one of my updates. I think about you so often and keep praying your healthy baby is coming soon. Huge hug girl <3

  8. I’m so glad you decided to come by and update. In the time since Archer was born, I finished my pregnancy and my son is 9mos! 🙂 I have truly missed reading your posts. I understand where you’re coming from, though. When I left behind my RPL blog I was very to the point in letting people know I would discuss parenthood and my son on the new blog and I understood whoever didn’t want to follow me. It’s a hard line to walk. But I love to write and he is part of my life now! <3

    Anyway I've seen you "creeping" on my blog. 😉 I must admit, I creep too—usually before bed, like you!

    Anyway I'm done babbling. Almost bedtime (see?!) so I'm off! Welcome back. 🙂

    1. Hi! I remember wondering why you created your new blog and closed your old blog, but I definitely get it now. I think for me, I just really want to keep this blog going. I guess we’ll see how it goes. I’m so glad we can keep up with each other on Facebook. Your little guy is so cute!

      1. Yeah…it was hard to stay. My past is still with me, the friends I’ve made, but that blog seemed like it had a time and place and I was no longer in that place. It was a place of grief and isolation and transition. Even when we try again ourselves I will stick with my new blog because I’m so open about everything. I can be honest. It’s freeing…

        Anyway, I’m glad too though I’m hardly ever on FB! Are you on IG? 🙂 I post pics of him much more frequently on there!

  9. I don’t know if you’ve read my “A Tale of Two Boobs”, which is a series (3 posts so far) of posts about my horrific struggles with breastfeeding. It’s hard. It is comforting to know someone (you) that has quit before the 12 month mark and switched to formula, because I may need to do that (not yet but I’m always on the edge due to my issues). Good for you for going 9 months! Good for you for recognizing that it was time to stop. Archer is such a handsome and lively little boy! I love watching him grow. I miss your blogs–you have so much to share <3 XOXO

    1. Aw thanks hon! I love watching your girl grow too! Such a cutie pie!

      I did read your posts and I love the title. So funny! But not funny too. It really is hard and such a slap in the face after everything we’ve already been through to be mommies. Just another way our body’s have failed us. Sigh… I think you’re a rock star for sticking with it and not matter how much longer you go, your girls has benefitted. I think the only reason I lasted as long as I did is I wanted to be able to comfort nurse him after his surgery when he was 8 months and I’m so glad he did because he really needed it that day. Then I just kept going as long as I could but it was all downhill from there. I really hate formula because it feeds him better than I could but it really has been good for him. So no matter what, know you’re doing the very best for your girl and if you have to give her formula, it will also be the best for her. Can’t wait for your next update! ❤️

  10. Hey, it’s Mel from There is a Higher Hope. Well I used to be. I shut that blog down right before Owen was born for personal reasons. A lot of it had to do with the very same reasons you had, I just was so afraid I was offending or hurting someone. And in truth, I did lose most readers after my bfp. But I am so glad you updated! Your little man is so gorgeous! Owen is almost 11 months too and is right at the top of the charts too. He has 6 teeth. I can’t believe Archer Haas EIGHT! Wow! That’s great. 🙂

    Again, so happy to hear from you and I look forward to another update soon. 🙂

    1. Hi! So great to hear from you! I was so sad when I went to your blog and it was gone but do understand why you closed it. I’m so glad Owen is doing well! Do you think you’ll start blogging again? maybe on a new blog? I’d love to keep up with you!

  11. Yeah for an update! I’m so glad to hear things are generally going so, so well (very scary about the procedure but glad Archer is fine). You have a lot on your plate and you can only do your best. Where the blog fits in is, of course, up to you, but I think we all love hearing from you, even if it is only every few months.

    Hang in there with balancing work and being home. Funny, working from home sounds so great, but it is so hard to actually pull off. These kiddos need a lot of attention!

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