This is a weird post for me to write as I am currently one of them, but I had to write about the explosion of pregnancies and babies happening right now. It doesn’t seem to just be happening to me. Others in our blogging community and also in my rainbow and unicorns mom Facebook group have been talking about it happening in their circle of friends too.
It seems like where ever we go, and even when we’ve gotten through it and have our rainbow and unicorn babies either through a really lucky egg, ART, donor eggs, surrogacy and/or adoption, we’re still affected by it. When I had my last miscarriage right before this pregnancy, I must have seen 6 pregnancy announcements or knew of several women who were already pregnant and expecting their second or third baby. It hit me hard. At the time of that last miscarriage, I thought my DOR was getting the best of me and I was going into premature menopause and I truly began to think that I’d never be able to give the miracle toddler a living sibling. Then I became pregnant again with this pregnancy.
I found out I was pregnant again the first week of September, and soon after I found out, I found out that 3 close friends of mine were also pregnant with either their first or second baby, and easily. One of them was a drunken oops and her baby was only 9 months old when she found out she was expecting again. That’s how easy it can happen. I was floored and scared. That was 4 of us pregnant all at the same time with close due dates. Would I be the 1 in 4 again? How would I handle it when all these babies were born around the same time of my due date if my baby didn’t survive? I’d been down this road before and the ugly green monster in me would always take over. I’d be so happy for my friends. Of course I would, but I would also feel so lost and jealous. Is it different now that I have A, my miracle boy? Sure, I’m not the same person I was before I had him. I am so incredibly blessed. Before him, I used to read the blog posts of the trials of others who were trying for their second baby and I would say to myself, I’m still trying for #1 here, I get it but come on now. And yet the thing is, what I didn’t understand back then, is living with IF and RPL is an ongoing thing. Once you have your rainbow or unicorn, you aren’t magically cured. IF and RPL is still very real for us. And shouldn’t we still deserve to have the family we wanted when we first began trying and planning for it? This is the thought that has been really on my mind lately, especially now since I’m just a month away from welcoming my daughter and hopeful second living child. It has taken us nearly 8 years and 6 losses to get here. We always wanted 2, but after our rainbow, we actually had to sit down and talk about whether we would try for anymore because we went through so much heartache to have 1 living child. Then I had a conversation with my husband’s cousin, who’s an OB and she was the one who helped convince us. This is a very sensible, practical woman who delivers babies for a living. When I told her we weren’t sure we’d try for anymore because the odds were so highly stacked up against us. I told her we just didn’t have it in us to have loss after loss again. And she said, “yes, you could have more miscarriages, but you also have him (the miracle toddler), and it could happen again. Every cycle is a new cycle.” She said “no pressure, you guys need to do what’s right for you, but I’m holding out more hope for you guys. I don’t think you’re done.” And she was right. Of course I know we got very lucky again, but just the same, it happened again. We did have another miscarriage, but then this pregnancy happened, so you just never know.
And since I refuse to believe in jinxes with only a month left to go before we welcome our little girl, I can say I wasn’t the 1 in 4 this time. And actually, since I first found out about this pregnancy, another friend became pregnant after me and all babies are doing well. With 5 pregnancies all in a group of friends with close due dates, two are already born healthy and safe, one is due at the end of this month, mine is scheduled to be delivered via c-section on May 4th, and the other one that came after me is due in June. It’s truly amazing given the odds I’ve become far too familiar with. These are all the ones that are close in dates as my pregnancy. Sadly, it did happened to another good friend in this group who’s due date would have been much later in the year. She became pregnant recently and after a few positive tests, she began to bleed so she had her betas checked and it wasn’t good. I’m heartbroken for her. I’d been living in a bubble of pregnancy happiness with all my friends pregnant with me and then her loss happened and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Just like that, her dream was shattered. I hate that this keeps happening to any of us. It’s just so unfair, especially when you read horrible stories of child abuse and neglect on the news. It’s so hard to not question everything in those moments. It’s actually strange, but I was more shocked after learning of her miscarriage then I was when I learned of my last miscarriage. It was such a part of my life at that point that the fact that this pregnancy is doing well is the real shocker.
And so with this explosion of pregnancies and due dates all so close to mine, April is apparently the month of showers. I have a baby sprinkle tomorrow for friend’s second baby, then a sprinkle for my baby next Sunday, then another for a friend’s first baby on the 22nd and an oddball wedding shower just to mix things up on the 28th. The only weekend I don’t have a shower to attend is Easter weekend. Baby showers used to kill me before our rainbow, but this month, I plan to celebrate all these new lives that are about to join us and celebrate the hope that they all represent. I’m even going to celebrate my sprinkle, which I honestly wasn’t sure I should have. It felt weird, but then a good friend of mine convinced me I should have it because we’re having a girl and have no girl things, so I finally agreed. And you know, I’m actually looking forward to it. I can’t wait to celebrate this baby girl. My daughter, who I truly never thought I’d have, should be celebrated. So for me, next Sunday is not about me, it’s about her.
Anyway, I’ve completely rambled on here and I’m not even sure what it is I’m trying to say, except it really does seem to be a babypalooza right now and that can be so hard when you’re waiting to become pregnant too. With all this baby joy, I’m still so aware of all of those who are in the sidelines waiting for their baby or having just experienced a loss and I want you to know I’m always thinking about you. I know I would have felt quite differently if this pregnancy had not continued, and I’m very aware that all these pregnancies and births happening right now can be so hard to see when you’re still waiting. My hope is that my story can give hope to those of you still waiting. It was always the happy stories of those in our community who went on to have their rainbows and unicorns that gave me hope to keep trying when it seemed impossible to hope, and I hope my story inspires and gives hope to others too.
I want to sign off by saying how much I’m praying that the baby energy that’s flowing out there right now, finds its way to all of you out there who are still in the trenches of IF and RPL with your first or second or however many babies you want. Just because it’s been so hard, doesn’t mean it won’t happen. You all deserve to have your babies and I am holding out hope for all of you. Whether, it’s finally catching that lucky egg, or having a cycle just go normally and right for once and timing everything perfectly, or with the help of ART and/or donor eggs/sperm and/or surrogacy, or though adoption, I pray that your babies find themselves into your arms very soon.
On this April Fool’s day, I am not playing any jokes, instead I am calling in all favors and asking for this wish to happen. Three years ago, on April Fool’s day, I started my period. I cursed the universe for making me start my period on April Fool’s day when I had been hoping for a BFP. I thought that was the worst joke on me ever, but what I didn’t know on that day is that was the cycle I would become pregnant with A, our rainbow, our miracle boy. And with this pregnancy, I was on the heels of another miscarriage, and my fertility blood work did not look good. My FSH was 22.9 at the start of the cycle, and yet I became pregnant anyway,and here we are just 4 1/2 weeks away from welcoming our second rainbow. Our daughter. So even when things seem like a cruel joke that you are constantly the brunt of, remember, your life can change in a moment. What seems bleak right now, might actually end up becoming something amazing.
Lots of love everyone. Happy April Fool’s Day