Tomorrow Holdon would have been 7 years old. How has so much time gone by already? And yet a day doesn’t go by that I don’t remember every detail of that day on April 6th, 2010 like it was yesterday. He shouldn’t have been born that day. He wasn’t due to be born until June 26th. But HELLP Syndrome happened to me and he was delivered via emergency c-section at just 27 weeks, 5 days. I was told I had to deliver immediately or I could die and Holdon was in distress, having not grown at all since 24 weeks. He was severely premature, made even worse by severe growth restriction, and a perforation in his small intestine on top of it all. He had to have surgery at only 1 day old to remove the necrotic tissues of the small intestine that had perforated and was left with only 25%. The odds of survival were stacked up against him from the start. The fact that he lived for 3 1/2 months in the NICU is truly amazing and testament to how strong and amazing our little boy was.
Time goes on and a lot has changed. It took us years and a lot more loss with 5 miscarriages, but Holdon now has a little brother and soon to be little sister. Losing a child, never gets easier no matter how much time goes by, and it is especially hard now that we have A and soon to be baby sister. Holdon should be here to celebrate his special day with us tomorrow. With every year that goes by, I think about the could have been, should have been moments in his life. I especially know what they should have been now that we have A. With every change and growth in A, I think about what Holdon missed out on. What we missed out on sharing with him. I know his short life was full of pain and struggle as he fought infection after infection and worked so hard just to breathe every day. It’s a comfort to know he no long suffers, and that he’s in a beautiful place now watching over us, but it’s still really hard to accept.
Every year we go away for Holdon’s birthday and celebrate him. It’s always just us as a family, but this year, we decided to stay close to home because taking even a short trip somewhere didn’t seem like a good idea with me being so far along now with this pregnancy. So we looked at the different events happening locally and found out the California Science Center is hosting The Science Behind Pixar Exhibition for a limited time. The special exhibition was created by the Museum of Science, Boston in collaboration with Pixar Animation Studios. We think it will be a lot of fun for Archer since he loves so many of the Pixar characters, and if he was here, I think Holdon would really love it too. As hard as tomorrow will be, we are determined to make it a fun day and celebrate Holdon.
Holdon, our angel, we love you. Happy birthday.
Tomorrow, as we remember the short time we had with our son, I also want to create awareness about Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome.
Thousands of women and babies die or get very sick each year from a dangerous condition called preeclampsia and related disorders such as HELLP Syndrome, a life-threatening disorder that occurs only during pregnancy and the postpartum period. I had no predisposing factors. My doctors believe there was something wrong with the placenta and it bacame toxic in my body. This can happen to anyone. Visit the Preeclampsia Foundation Website and know the symptoms and warning signs.
For more information, visit the Preeclampsia Foundation Website: www.preeclampsia.org
About the attached Video:
I created this video in 2014 for my son, Holdon on his 4th birthday so he will never be forgotten. I decided to share it again today for his 7th birthday. I want the world to know he lived. When I first started thinking about creating this video, I knew I wanted to use the song “To Where You Are”, so I asked my very good friend, Judith Lam-Tang, to sing it. Her beautiful and angelic voice is exactly what I envisioned when I first started thinking about creating this piece. Thank you so much Judith for helping be make the perfect birthday present for Holdon!
Created by Johanne Regunathan
in memory of our angel, Holdon.
© Copyright. Johanne Regunathan 2014 www.myhopejar.com. All rights reserved.
Special thanks to my dear friend, Judith Lam-Tang
for her beautiful version of To Where You Are.
© Copyright. Judith Lam-Tang 2014 www.judithlam.com. All rights reserved.