I’m 5 days into this round of meds (day 3 of Stims and HGH), and to say I’m feeling off is a bit of an understatement. Other than feeling like a pin cushion, physically I’m not too bad. Although I have to ask, why does Menopur burn so much when it’s injected? The Lupron is fine, the Follistim is fine, even the HGH is fine. Other than that initial prick, they’re all manageable, but the darned Menopur feels like I’m being injected with fire. Seriously? What the heck? Has anyone else felt this? Other than that, I still have that throbbing headache, but it’s not as bad as it was a few days ago. I’m also feeling a bit queasy, but it’s not too bad either. The most noticeable physical side-effect so far is I can really feel my ovaries. I know that sounds weird but they feel achy and huge. I’m still early into my Stims so I hope this is a good sign that there are lots of follicles starting to grow and not hyper stimulation or something scary like that. I have an appointment with Dr. J on Monday for an ultrasound so I’ll find out how my follicles are coming along then.

That sums up the physical, my emotions on the other hand, are a whole other story. I’m feeling so crazy right now. I’m a crying mess one minute, and a super crabby B the next minute. I didn’t feel like this last time so have no idea why it’s so bad this time. I don’t think it can all be attributed to the HGH, and yet that’s the only major difference this time. Well that and my suppressant med to prevent me from ovulating too soon is different too. Last time I took Ganirelix. This time I’m taking Lupron. So maybe it’s that? I really don’t know. I’m also feeling the pressure more this time. I’m not sure why. Nothing has really changed. We’re still on the same course, moving through the careful plan Dr J put together for us, but I guess it’s just that we’re getting closer to the testing phase and I’m starting to worry that it will be a colossal fail. What if we don’t have any healthy embryos after all of this? I haven’t allowed myself to really think about it before now. But now that we’re getting closer to that step, I’m getting scared. I honestly don’t know how I’ll be if we don’t get a single healthy embryo. However, it’s a very real possibility so I have to think about it and prepare myself. We can’t keep doing this over and over again. Financially or emotionally. So what will our options be if it doesn’t work? I don’t know the answer to that question. I do know I’m not really interested in donor eggs. So I guess it’s adoption. I would love to adopt, but it’s not without cost too, and I know people who have waited years and eventually taken their names off the list because it was too long a wait and too difficult. So I don’t even know if that’s a real option for us.

We could go back to getting pregnant again on our own and hope we eventually catch a good egg, but how many more miscarriages will we have before that happens? If it happens…

I’m usually more optimistic than this, but tonight, I’m not feeling it. I read a fellow blogger’s post earlier today, another angel mom, and it just broke my heart. She just had another miscarriage. Her 6th. I’m so sad for her. Why does this keep happening? I try to keep a positive attitude and then I read a post like hers and it’s just so wrong. I want to shout out at the world about the injustice of it. It’s just not fair. My heart aches for her. For all of us.

So how do we keep holding on? I guess for me it’s the same reason we named our son Holdon. We intentionally spelt it with an “O” so it reads “Hold On”. And He did hold on. He kept fighting right until the end. It’s his fighting spirit that I carry with me always. I know he’s out there somewhere watching out for me. My special angel. I don’t know what the future holds for me or for any of us who have had to struggle so hard on the path to motherhood, and continue to struggle, I just know I have to keep going. I have to keep fighting and go on blind faith. So that’s what I’m continuing to do.

I was near the beach tonight and captured this amazing sunset. Even on days where everything around us seems ugly and sad, nature has a way of reminding us there’s beauty too.