Last night I got this message from WordPress: I can’t believe it’s been an entire year since I first began this blog and all that has happened. Naturally, getting this message from WordPress caused me to reflect on things a bit… Exactly one year ago, I had just suffered my fourth lost in three years. We were mourning the death of my infant son due to prematurity as a result of HELLP Syndrome, followed by 3 back to back miscarriages. I had hit an all time low and was tired of living in silence about it. I was about to embark on IVF and PGD to test our embryos in hopes of preventing another loss, and also just days after that first post, I had the 3 year anniversary of Holdon’s death to deal with. To say I was in a really bad place at that time, is a bit of an understatement. Little did I know that in the next year, our journey with IVF with PGD would fail and while I don’t regret doing it, it was a lot of money for nothing in the end; then we’d cautiously start trying on our own again, only to…Continue reading One Year Anniversary of Blogging
Tag: Infant Loss
Just a Quick Update
I’ve been meaning to write an update about my other 2 appointments last week for the past few days, but work has been crazy and I’ve been sooo tired! I’m 10 weeks 3 days pregnant today and the nausea and fatigue is still going strong. I’ve been going to bed really early every night and can’t seem to get enough rest right now. Praying this is all a really good sign! Last week we had 3 appointments. There was our last appointment with our RE, Dr. K, on Wednesday which went well and I posted about in my previous post 9 Weeks 5 Days and All is Good! Baby was measuring perfectly and moving his or her little arms around. It was amazing. This is the furthest we have gotten in pregnancy since I was pregnant with my son in 2009 and we all know how that one ended. So needless to say, this was a huge milestone! We left Dr. K with a big hug, and said good bye to her with a promise to keep her updated. This brought us to Thursday. We were finally done seeing Dr. K and ready to start seeing our regular OB, Dr. S.…Continue reading Just a Quick Update
Facing Mother's Day With Empty Arms
Mother’s Day is a beautiful day to celebrate our mothers and all they do for us. I know I will be thinking about my own mother on Sunday and remembering all she has done for me over the years of my life. It goes beyond just the years she raised me. The support and love my mom has given me in these recent years that have been some of the most difficult years of my life, has shown me how a mother’s love and care never ends. She has prayed with me, celebrated with me and grieved with me. I feel so blessed to have this amazing woman as my mother and I wanted to begin this post by saying a special thank you to her. Thank you Mom for being all that you are. I love you more than I can ever express in words. However, this day is more than a just a day to celebrate my Mom. For me, it’s also about my own journey into motherhood. It’s a day to remember my son and each of my babies in Heaven. The memories are beautiful, but also incredibly painful. It’s a reminder of what could have been.…Continue reading Facing Mother's Day With Empty Arms
I AM A HELLP Survivor – Preeclampsia Awareness Month
I am a HELLP Syndrome survivor too. A fellow blogger posted this on her blog today and I had to share it. I survived, but my son Holdon did not. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t still feel his loss and the after effects of this terrible condition of pregnancy. Mommy This Mommy That’s post… I just wanted to put out there that my daughter and I are HELLP survivors. I saw that May is preeclampsia awareness month. Everywhere I’ve read there are different definitions for HELLP. Some say you get help after you are diagnosed with preeclampsia. Other places say it’s a severe form of preeclampsia. According to the American pregnancy.org website HELLP syndrome defined “HELLP Syndrome is a series of symptoms that make up a syndrome that can affect pregnant women. HELLP syndrome is thought to be a variant of preeclampsia, but it may be an entity all on its own. There are still many questions about the serious condition of HELLP syndrome. The cause is still unclear to many doctors and often HELLP syndrome is misdiagnosed. It is believed that HELLP syndrome affects about 0.2 to 0.6 percent of all pregnancies.” To read…Continue reading I AM A HELLP Survivor – Preeclampsia Awareness Month
A Quick Getaway
Thank you everyone for all your love, thoughts and prayers this past weekend. I was overwhelmed with emotion reading all your comments on here yesterday, as well as all the comments I received on Facebook. One of my biggest fears, as time goes on, is that Holdon will be forgotten. However, I see now how impossible that is. We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives who love us and love Holdon, and I just know he was looking down at all of us and smiling at all the love he was feeling on his special day. Morro Bay, California Our weekend plans didn’t go exactly as we envisioned, but it was still very relaxing and good to get away. We had a party to go to on Saturday night, so we planned on leaving early on Sunday morning and getting into Morro Bay early enough to still enjoy the day, stay the night, then spend all day there the next day and drive back on Monday evening. Well, I was in a bit of funk on Saturday night with Holdon’s birthday the next day, and ended up drinking more than I wanted to at the…Continue reading A Quick Getaway
For Our Angel, Holdon on His 4th Birthday
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYI-16QeX54&w=560&h=315] View video in YouTube: In Loving Memory of Our Son Holdon – YouTube. Four years ago today, on April 6th, 2010 at 1:38 PM, our son Holdon was born 3 months early due to a dangerous pregnancy condition called HELLP Syndrome, a variant of preeclampsia. He lived for 3 ½ months in the NICU. We named him Holdon with a second “o” so it would spell “hold on”, and he did. He held on every day of his precious life. He fought so hard, but in the end it was too much. On July 14th, 2010, we were told there was nothing more the doctors could do. His tiny underdeveloped lungs and short gut syndrome were too much for him. He could not absorb nutrients properly so his lungs couldn’t develop. He never came off the breathing tube and eventually he succumbed to infection, and as a result of sepsis his organs began to shut down. We had him baptized at the hospital on July 19th, and then at 2:26 PM on July 20th 2010, after struggling for days with the impossible decision no parent should ever have to make, our son Holdon was taken off the breathing…Continue reading For Our Angel, Holdon on His 4th Birthday
Special Memory Bracelet
I received a surprise package in the mail yesterday from my Mom. It was a gift for Holdon’s birthday. It’s a Pandora bracelet with 3 charms on it: an “H”, a flower with his birthstone, and a small angel. It was such an overwhelming and touching gift to let me know she was thinking about us and our little angel. Thank you Mom! It’s beautiful. I have to admit, I’ve always thought Pandora bracelets were a little overpriced for what they are and never really wanted one before, but I fell in love with this bracelet instantly, and will cherish it always. What a perfect birthday present for my angel! As far as everything else, I’m doing okay, but still not sleeping well and I seem to be starting my period a few days early. So April 1 = CD 1. Lovely. Great way to start off hell month. Very fitting. All I can say is, hopefully we’ll have better news at the end of the month. Sending out love and prayers to my fellow bloggers. April is a rough month for many of us on here with miscarriage anniversaries, would-have-been due dates and not-birthdays. The only thing worst than…Continue reading Special Memory Bracelet
Reflecting on a Strange Week
This has been an interesting week. Not really bad, but not great either. First of all, I wrote last Sunday that I thought my body was having a good laugh at my expense, and I think it decided to keep on laughing because I posted a picture from Pinterest that said, “The bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep” by E. Joseph Lossman, and then I tossed and turned all that night, and the next 2 nights too! I was exhausted and falling asleep on the couch right after dinner, but as soon as I would go to bed, nothing! I was finally able to get a good 5 hours in a row on Wednesday and Thursday night and about 7 hours total last night, but it still wasn’t great. I kept having the weirdest dreams that kept waking me up. A lot of the dreams have been about our son and babies. I think Holdon’s upcoming not-birthday next Sunday is weighing heavily on my mind. I’ve been working on a video/slideshow for him and I think it’s bringing all of it back. I don’t regret working on it though, because it’s something I’ve wanted to do for…Continue reading Reflecting on a Strange Week
The Difference A Day Can Make
First of all, I want to thank all the ladies who commented on my WTF is My Body Doing? post from yesterday. All your support and advice really helped ease my mind and I was able to fall asleep easily last night instead of worrying about what my waking temp would be today. And sure enough, my temp went way up to 98.0 this morning! There’s no mistaking that temp shift. Whew! So if it remains high, then I can confirm that I ovulated some time yesterday. I’m feeling pretty foolish for putting that post up yesterday and seeing my temp go up today. Talk about jumping the gun! I really think my body was having a good laugh at my expense, but at least I know I’m back on track with only a few days delay and all your advice really helped! Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/328551735287917191/ After seeing that temp shift, I turned off my alarm and fell back to sleep until 10:00. It was bliss! I haven’t been able to sleep in that late in ages, and I can’t believe what a difference it has made in my mood today. So now I’m back in the dreaded TWW again, but…Continue reading The Difference A Day Can Make
WTF is My Body Doing?
It’s been such a crazy time lately and I’ve been so out of touch with this blog. I’ve been reading all my fellow bloggers posts and commenting when I have time, but have been completely neglecting my own blog. To recap, last cycle we got pregnant and had a chemical pregnancy that ended just a few days after I first saw a positive pregnancy test. It was my 5th loss in less than 4 years. It all happened so fast, and while my parents were visiting, so I didn’t have time to process it at all. Then, just 4 days later, my college roommate and her husband flew in for a long weekend. It was great to spend time with them but it was a whirlwind weekend of shopping and site-seeing with only a short break on the beach last Saturday to enjoy the 85 degree weather, and then a Saint Patrick’s Day party on Sunday that lasted all day in the hot sun. We continued the party at our house and only got a short nap in before seeing our friends off to the airport at 4AM on Monday morning. We barely got back to sleep when we were…Continue reading WTF is My Body Doing?