Well a lot has changed in the past 3 days. I wish I could say it was for the better, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. I have been feeling a lot of cramping that’s gotten steadily more noticeable in the past couple days and my breasts were starting to get really sore. I thought this must have been a good sign, so I decided to do an FRER HPT, yesterday. I know I shouldn’t have. The nurse specifically told me not to, but I know FRER is really sensitive and can detect the smallest traces of HCG, and I told myself from the start that I would test a day or two before so I could prepare myself. Well it was negative. And I did another test this morning and it was negative too. I’m devestaded. How can I be feeling all of this and it be negative? I guess it could be the progesterone, but I didn’t feel any of this before the transfer. It’s so messed up. I know it’s not over until the beta tomorrow, but I’m not too hopeful anymore that the result will be different with the blood test. I know this is why the…Continue reading 6dp5dt – Losing Hope
Tag: IVF
My Last Miscarriage
Today is the due date for pregnancy #4 and miscarriage #3. It was the last miscarriage I had, and I pray it truly is the last. Two weeks ago, when I talked about miscarriage #2, I dreaded today and thinking about miscarriage #3, but now that it’s here, I’m strangely okay. I think I have to credit it to my last minute change of attitude towards my birthday. Yesterday I turned 37. For months I have been dreading it. It’s not because of getting older. That has never really bothered me and I’ve always felt pretty young at heart (though the toll all these losses has taken out on my body and emotions has made me feel ancient at times), but when you’re trying to build a family, every year that goes by and every year you age, counts. Almost exactly this time last year, I had the go ahead to start trying again after my hysteroscopy and 8-month long drawn out process from miscarriage #2, and now it’s been another year, and another loss. The fact that I had another miscarriage in that time and the due date is the day after my birthday, had me in quite a…Continue reading My Last Miscarriage
And Now We Wait… Again
The past few days have been eventful and uneventful all at the same time. I got my period the day after hearing the news about our embryo, and I got really excited thinking we would be proceeding right away, but then I had my followup appointment with my doctor and I left the conversation feeling a little deflated. The most important fact is we have our one embryo and this is absolutely cause for celebration! We still have a shot at this! We’re still in the game! Before I go over my discussion with Dr, J, I just have to highlight that because this is really great news! However, my conversation with Dr. J was a little sobering and depressing… We went over my history and discussed all my previous pregnancies. We talked a lot about my first pregnancy and how even though our son didn’t survive, it was due to a rare condition of pregnancy, Preeclampsia, and not because of a genetic abnormality, so we know I have some good eggs left. And because I carried him to 27 weeks, we also know I can carry a baby and my uterus works as it should. We also know from my…Continue reading And Now We Wait… Again
Day 5 Distraction: Finishing a Painting I Started 3 Years Ago
First things first, I have not heard from Dr. J to tell me how many of my embryos survived to today, 5-day blastocyst, and were biopsied for PGD. He said he wouldn’t call until Tuesday, but I really wish he would give me a status update. I’m so anxious to know how they’re doing. I just keep praying, no news is good news. Tuesday, cannot come fast enough! On that note, I definitely needed a good distraction today, so I decided to tackle a project that is very dear to me, but I have been avoiding for over 3 years. Shortly before my first miscarriage and a year after we lost our son, I began a painting in memory of him. Then I found out I was pregnant again and stopped painting because I was worried about the paint fumes. I only paint with acrylic paints so they really aren’t toxic, but I worry and didn’t want to take any chances. Then we miscarried and I just wasn’t in the right head space to resume working on it. And then I had another miscarriage and another, and I just never came back to it. So today, I was wondering what…Continue reading Day 5 Distraction: Finishing a Painting I Started 3 Years Ago
Day 5
It’s 12:30 am, so I’m going to say it’s now day 5. Our sweet embryos should have reached 5-day blastocyst by now or by later today. Fingers cross! Some time today they should be ready. The embryologist will take a small biopsy from the portion of each embryo that will make up the placenta and send it to the PGD lab. I still haven’t heard from Dr J, so praying this means at least some of them are doing well. Either way, we should know soon. Day 4 Distraction Activity: Girls Night! Tonight I’m up late and only posting now because I had some good friends over for a girls night. It was the perfect distraction! It was so great to just relax and spend time catching up. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. It was exactly what I needed. None of the girls have kids yet. They’re not even married yet, and it was just so refreshing to listen to their crazy stories of the dates they’ve been on and the ups and downs of single life. It really put things into perspective for me. For one thing, nobody’s life is perfect. I may not have…Continue reading Day 5
Day 3
Today, my embryos should have reached day 3 blastocyst. I had to physically hold myself back from calling the clinic to see how they’re doing. Typically, the clinic would call with daily reports, but since we’re not planning on transferring until PGD is complete, the stages in between don’t mean too much, and it’s counter productive to talk about how they’re doing right now when it’s the end result we need to know. Of course, that doesn’t prevent me from thinking about them and wondering how they’re doing. It’s taking everything I’ve got to sit tight and try to not think about them 24/7. In this case though, I’m going to stock it up to “no news is good news”, if they weren’t doing well, Dr. J would call to tell me. So at least for now, I have to believe that at least some of them are still going strong. We did everything we could do, now it’s out of our hands. We just have to have faith. In the meantime, I just have to keep distracting myself. Day 3 Distraction Activity: Enjoying Sushi and Curling Up on the Couch with a Good Book My hubby is away for…Continue reading Day 3
Waiting… Wishing… Hoping…
Yesterday, I started a daily distraction activity to get me through this next week of waiting to hear how my embryos are doing and whether any of them are viable after PGD. The first distraction activity was decorating our Christmas Tree. Above is a picture of my special memory ornaments for my angels. The three snowflakes are the same ones A Calm Persistence blogged about finding at Kohl’s in her post It was just one of those days…. She purchased them for her angel babies and was extremely generous in sharing where she found them so others could get them too. I absolutely loved them and went out a few days later and got them for my own angel babies. The three snowflakes are for each of my miscarriages with the birth stone for each due date: April 18th for my first miscarriage, December 20th for my second miscarriage and January 5th for my most recent miscarriage. The two angel ornaments are for my son, my angel Holdon. One angel holds his birthstone for April 6th and the blue angel above it was a gift from my mother, and it holds his picture. These 5 ornaments are my most cherished…Continue reading Waiting… Wishing… Hoping…
IVF and PGD: Go Embryos Go!
We have 6 more embryos! Of the 9 eggs we retrieved yesterday, 6 were mature and all 6 fertilized! I’m beyond thrilled. My hubby’s little swimmers really did their job! This afternoon they thawed the 5 fertilized eggs we got in September and we now have 11 growing embryos! The embryologist will do a biopsy on all the embryos that survive to day 5 blastocyst and send the biopsies to the PGD lab for testing. This should occur Saturday and Sunday (Saturday for the new embryos and Sunday for the the thawed embryos), and we should get the results by next Tuesday. So by this time next week we’ll know if we have any viable embryos for transfer. I have no idea how I’m going to get through the next week! I’m hopeful, anxious, nervous, scared, and so many other feelings I can’t even describe all at the same time! Please, please let our embryos survive to 5-day blast and let us have a healthy embryo! Knowing myself, I won’t be able to go 5 minutes without freaking out about our embryos and Googling the statistics and success rates of 5-day blast survival and PGD. Who am I kidding? I’m…Continue reading IVF and PGD: Go Embryos Go!
IVF and PGD Part 2– Egg Retrieval #2
Early this morning we had our second egg retrieval, and so far it went well. First and foremost, we got 9 eggs this time which is 2 more than last time! I was so relieved to hear this, but now we have to wait and see how many are mature and fertilize. Last time we got 7 eggs, but only 6 were mature and 5 fertilized. So that was a really good percentage of fertilized eggs for the number of eggs we started with. I pray we are equally successful this time! All in all the procedure was about the same as last time. We arrived at the clinic OR at 6:15 this morning as directed by the nurse for the hour prep time needed prior to our 7:15 retrieval time. Since I was the first patient of the day, things moved along pretty quick. We filled out the same consent forms as last time, and then I was taken into the pre-op area. I got undressed and put on the lovely retrieval ensemble consisting of hospital gown, booties and surgical cap. Then, the nurse took my vitals and prepared my IV. This part went much smoother this time. Last…Continue reading IVF and PGD Part 2– Egg Retrieval #2
IVF and PGD Part 2 – The Eve of Our Second Egg Retrieval
It’s 11: 30 pm on the eve of our second retrieval, and I can’t sleep so I decided to get up and make myself a cup steamed almond milk before my “no food or drink after midnight” cutoff. The same thing happened to me last time. I went to be early in hopes of getting a good night’s sleep before the procedure, but tossed and turned for hours. I understand why it was so hard last time. I had not done this before so I was worried and nervous about the procedure, and I was really worried about the outcome. However, this time I know what to expect so I really thought I would be able to rest easier tonight, but as it gets later and later, and I get closer to my 4:45 am wake up time, I’m even more and more worried. I guess it’s because if all goes well tomorrow, we’ll finally be moving forward with the PGD and that has me even more scared. Sigh… Will I ever rest easy again? Who knows… I guess for now I just have to be thankful that we’ve made it this far and wait and see what happens. So…Continue reading IVF and PGD Part 2 – The Eve of Our Second Egg Retrieval